Cedric Benson gets no respect

The delusional head-case and former Bear Cedric "Two-yards and a cloud of BUST" Benson was recently interviewed by NFL.com about the emergence of Matt Forte. To be perfectly honest, I've been on the edge of my seat wondering what a Special-Assed has-been\never-will-be thought about Matt Forte, and I was so excited to see he favored us with his opinion I peed a little.

Said, Ced: "He is having a great year, but when I see the highlights, I see holes. I see them using him in the slot, something they didn't do with me. If I was there right now with the holes I see, I'd probably have 1,800 yards right now. I definitely would have 1,500 by now."

Now I know Ced grew up in Midland and attended the University of Texas, so that already makes him like two kinds of retarded. However, Ced, you barely have had 1,800 yards in your entire career! What makes you think that your healthy 3-yard per carry average in Cincy would make you an 1,800-yard rusher in Chicago? Were the Bears going to give you 600 carries by now?

Personally, I pray that Ced never becomes self-aware because the abrupt explosion of cognitive disonance may be enough to throw the world into a vortex of suck so powerful it will need the words "Tyler Perry Presents" tacked onto it for good measure.

Cedric, you couldn't run for 1,800 yards on a fucking tread mill. Just drift off into obscurity you no-talent ass-clown whiel counting the millions you stole from Chicago. Eat a bag of dicks.

Capper's Corner: Week 15

1* Buf +9
1* Ten -2.5
2* BAL -2(130)
1* Den +7.5
3* ARI -3(125)
2* Ne -6.5

Year-to-date:
3* 2-5
2* 13-6
1* 13-15

Capper's Corner: Week 13

1* Mia -6.5(120)
3* Ind -4.5
2* NE -1
1* HOU -3(115)

Year-to-date:
3* 2-4
2* 13-5
1* 12-14

Capper's Corner: Turkey Day

2* Ari +3.5(130) - Not sure about this spread but I do know Philly couldn't play dead.

Year-to-date:
3* 2-4
2* 13-4
1* 12-14

Capper's Corner:Week 10

2* Jax -6.5
1* Buf +3.5
2* ATL -1
1* Stl +10
2* MIN -2
1* PIT -3(125)
1* Nyg +3.5(125)
1* Bal +1

Capper's Corner Week 9

Took a week off now back to the chalk:

1* Cle -1(125)
2* Ari\STL OV 49
3* Gb +4
2* Atl -2.5(115)
1* Dal +8.5
2* Ne +7(120)
1* Pit\WAS OV 36.5

Record to date:
3* 1-4
2* 9-2
1* 10-8

Capper's Corner Week 7

No time for analysis ... so BECAUSE I SAID SO!!! :-D

2* Dal -7(120)
2* CHI -2.5(125)
Min\CHI OV 37(120)
Nos +3(120)
2* NYJ -3(115)
3* Ind -2
Den +3.5(125)

Record to date:
3* 1-3
2* 7-1
1* 9-6

Capper's Corner Week 6

1* Nos -6.5(115) - New Orleans will bounce back this week after a disappointing Monday night. If this team wants to be taken seriously, these are the games you gotta win big.

1* Cin\NYJ OV 42.5 - I know Carson Palmer is out but this game will put points on the board.

3* Chi -2.5 - Rookie QB and a struggling secondary against a stifling defense and rejuvenated air attack.

2* Phi\SF OV 41.5 - Always play the over in San Fran especially this year.

2* ARI +5 - The Cards are playing great ball right now, so an outright win may only surprise the Cowboys.

1* Gb +1 - This is not a ringing endorsement of the Pack, just how far Seattle has fallen.

ADDING: 2* Jax +3.5(115) - Just because.

Year to Date:
3* 1-2
2* 4-1
1* 7-5

Capper's Corner Week 5

1* Ind -3(120) - Time for Peyton Manning and the Colts to right the ship in Houston.
1* Atl +3.5 - Aaron Rodgers is a game-time decision but obviously he won't be at full strength. Atlanta and Michael Turner will gash that Green Bay run defense.
1* Tb\DEN OV 46.5 - Tampa Bay is living by the pass and Denver will be as well.
2* Ne\SF OV 46.5 - Neither of these teams are world beaters but they will put up points this week.
2* Cin +16 - I don't care how bad Cincy is, no team should be getting 16 points in week 5 ... well maybe the Rams.
3* NOS -2.5(125) - By the hook but New Orleans is head and shoulders better than the Viqueens.
1* Min\NOS OV 46.5 - New Orleans has an explosive offense and Minnesota will eventually have to abandon the run and air it out.

Season to Date:
3* 1-1
2* 2-1
1* 4-4

Thoughts after 3 weeks

Where is Kevin Jones? We are going to wear out Forte at this rate. He's good but damn let's not turn him into Eddie George (a great RB who finally wore down).

Matt Millen has been fired only 6 years too late. This is great news for the Lions but bad news for the Bears as the joke from up north may actually find someone competent and how hard could it be to find someone better than Jerry Angelo?

Brandon Lloyd is looking good at the top spot on the wide receiver ... the problem is who the hell is going to step up at the #2? It sure as fuck isn't Rashied Davis.

We sent Mark Bradley packing and picked up a CB? What the fuck? Hey, I thought Bradley was going to be axed before week 1 but I thought it would be for Brandon Rideau. We have no #2 or #3 so what the hell is the kid doing on our practice squad ... give him a fucking chance!

Could we please quit passing the ball to Jason McKie and get Greg Olsen and Desmond Clark more involved? Olsen had a HORRENDOUS game in Week 2 but we have to move passed that. He and Clark should be leading this team in catches because a creative offensive coordinator should be using these guys to get mismatches.

Devin Hester returns this week and not a moment too soon. I was holding my breath every time Nate Vasher was sent back to return punts. He is much too valuable a CB to expose him to punt return duties.

Speaking of What the fuck ... I'm looking at you Peanut Tillman. You are a veteran and got baited into a fight by some lackluster wide out who is lucky to be even on the field. Fucking stupid.

Kyle Orton, you are no longer allowed to check out of a run on 3rd and short. You have a battering ram of a running back in Matt Forte so just give him the damn ball!

Could Mark Anderson be any more of a one-year wonder? Actually that entire d-line needs to get their shit together. Brian Griese throws 67 times and isn't sacked ... that is just plain horrible.

Chris Williams is back to practice and is "on no time table" to get on the playing field. I'm still waiting for him to get injured during a non-contact practice ... AGAIN; great pick, Jerry.

Bob Babich, it's time to update your resume. This defense hasn't been right since that meltdown of all meltdowns against Detroit last season. It's not working, bring in a REAL defensive coordinator!

Capper's Corner: Week 4

2* Ari +1 - The Cardinals are playing good football right now and this Jets team isn't very good.

1* Ari\NYJ OVER 43.5 - Two good QB's and plenty of chances for some scoring. I like this in the 48-51 point range.

1* Gb pk(+115) - This game is a toss-up and if we're getting 115-to-100 that is a value play.

1* Buf -8 - St. Louis is just plain bad and Trent Green isn't going to change that. Buffalo in a route.

Season to Date:
3* 1-1
2* 2-0
1* 2-3

Capper's Corner Week 3

2* Cincy +14(120) - I know Cincy isn't exactly a world-beater but 14 points by the Super Bowl champs? New York has a bullseye on them every week so this is a nice value.
1* Ari +3.5(120) - I still cannot believe Washington won last week so I like Arizona in this one.
1* Car +3.5 - Carolina beats San Diego and Chicago and now is a dog to Tarvaris Jackson and the winless Vikes? I'll take Carolina especially with Steve Smith back from suspension.
1* Pit +3.5 - Everyone saw Philly on Monday night but Pittsburgh may be the class of the AFC this season.

Season to Date:
3* 1-1
2* 1-0
1* 2-0

Bear Report Week 1: Chicago 29, Indy 13

Chicago dominated the Colts on Sunday night at the new Lucas Oil Field in Indianapolis. Considering oil companies have been fucking all of us six ways to Sunday, it was nice to see Chicago extract a little payback.

Peyton Manning, fresh off two knee surgeries in which his knee became infected - possibly from gay homosexual buttsecks (that's the DCODC unofficial word) - was ineffective in his fist start since last season. Manning showed rust and had his timing and rhythm upset all night from constant pressure up the middle by Chicago.

Speaking of pressure, it was reported that during the game, Rex Grossman tried to buy some nachos but put on the spot when asked "Cheese or Salsa?" he panicked, ran backwards 15 yards, fell down and strained his MCL.

Capatain Neckbeard guided the offense well but it was rookie RB Matt Forte who stole the show. On a 3rd and 6 at midfield, Forte made a cut and then out ran defensive player of the year Bob Sanders enroute to a 51-yard TD scamper. Welcome to the NFL Matt Forte!

In a related story, Cedric Benson saw the play and exclaimed "I can do that", stepped off his bar stool, slipped on the floor, and knocked himself out. He's expected to miss his shuffleboard league for the next 4-6 weeks recovering.

All of the preseason hand-wringing - for now - seems to be much ado about nothing. The starting defensive unit looked like the 2006 Bears as they outplayed, out-muscled, and generally dominated a Colt offense generally considered one of the best in the NFL. DE Adawale Ogunleye spent so much time in the Colts's backfield, at one point Manning mistakenly called for him to run a go-route ... probably the pain killers Peyton was on.

Greg Olsen and Desmond Clark looked like the best tandem of TEs in the league making big plays when called upon. The two are favorite targets of Kyle Orton and with good reason. With an average to below average receiving corp, these guys make everyone around them better ... especially their QB!

Talking heads around the league have already dismissed this as a fluke, an Indy implosion, Peyton Manning not ready, Bigfoot, cats and dogs living together ... and blah, blah, fricking blah. HOWEVER, the douchebag of the week award goes to:

CBS Sportsline Gregg (the extra G is for GAY!) Doyel who is such a student of the NFL and often referred to as the Dali Lama of the NFL (or was that the Jay Mariotti of Doucheville, I forget) when he pronounced without a doubt:
"I'm not sure what to make of the 2008 Chicago Bears, but I'm sure of this: They're not good enough to beat the Indianapolis Colts 29-13. Not in Chicago, and definitely not in Indianapolis. Not at brand new Lucas Oil Stadium or the forsaken RCA Dome or the even skanky patch of urban blight located between the two domes."

Gee Gregg, you're right! We should petition the league to have this game stricken from the record books. Have this blight on the NFL and this injustice to humanity white-washed. Cut the fingers from our scribes and cut the tongues out of our orators so such a game shall NEVER be remembered ... or we could just call it an Indy beat-down at the hands of a Chicago team that may be better than everyone expected and move on. But of course, you can't be the new Mariotti without whipping on the Bears, right Gregg?

Capper's Corner: Week 2

Hit my only pick last week when the Giants covered over the Skins. This week, here's a look at the early lines and what I'm feeling:

3* Nos pk at WAS: Easiest play on the board with New Orleans loaded offensively against the anemic Skins' attack.

2* Ind pk at Min: Don't let the Bear game fool you, Indy is a great value on this play. I picked Minnesota as a pretender this season and will be playing against them any time it offers value.

1* Bal +4.5 at HOU: Gotta love the doggies, and Baltimore looks like an improved team even with their young QB.

1* DEN +2 vs Sdg: Yeah, Denver did beat up on the Crypt Keeper's train wreck of a team, but Denver in Mile High is ALWAYS tough to beat. I'll take the home doggy.

1* Phi +7.5(120) at DAL: I would buy the extra half point based on historical data that says to buy it when you're getting a half point. Aside from that, are we really to believe this is not an improved Philly team with a healthy McNabb? A lot of questions should be answered by both teams in this game.

Season to Date:
3* 1-0
2* 0-0
1* 0-0

Schadenfreude dilemma: NFL Week 1

Do I root for the Viqueens to beat Green Bay and wait for the inevitable landslide of pissed off fat people from Wisconsin clamoring for Favre ...

OR do I root for the Cheese Dicks and laugh at all the ignorant douchebags who called the Purple Queens a contender this season?

What do you guys think?

The Man's 8th Annual Contenders, Pretenders and Dark Horses

No time for breakdowns or recap of 2006 (since I skipped 2007) ... Just know that you lay $20 on the contenders and dark horses. You may also want to bet them against the spread. The pretenders, play against them. I will try and update later with the thinking behind each and the record from previous years.
NOTE: Odds shown are to WIN the Super Bowl.

Contenders
4. Jacksonville 14-1
3. Dallas 6-1
2. San Diego 7-1
1. New England 5-1

Pretenders
4. Cleveland 20-1
3. Tennessee 40-1
2. Seattle 25-1
1. Minnesota 14-1

Dark Horses
4. Tampa Bay 40-1
3. New York Jets 40-1
2. Cincy 50-1
1. Philly 25-1

Good luck this NFL season!

Capper's Corner

Gotta like a 3* play on New York tonight -3.5(ev).

NOTE: Star rating is unit rating. For those who've never heard of WYD Sports or my articles for TMW or RedEye Sports, just take it as an informed opinion ... but don't look for too many. ALSO, I rarely go above a 3-unit play. Those are usually the strongest aside from a 5* about once or twice per season and the very rare 4*.

The Final 53?

Chicago has finished their preseason and the final 53 is in. Some disappointments and some questions still abound. Here are my thoughts:

Caleb Hanie is IN!!!! Our young QB who has looked like the best option we've had in my 33 years as a fan made the final roster. Hanie is the future of this team whether it's 2009 or 2010. Congrats to the undrafted rookie who has rejuvenated Chicago fans hope for what we've been missing: a true NFL quarterback with all of the skills needed to lead this team to our next championship!

Mark Bradley survives at the expense of Brandon Rideua. Bradly had better catch 50 passes this season for at least 3 TD's before I even begin to believe in this choice. Rideau will catch on somewhere else as each year he's become better and better. Good luck Brandon.

Last year's 2nd and 3rd round picks (Bazuin and Okwo) were sent packing. Good call on cutting them but WHAT THE FUCK were they drafted for in the first place? Both were reaches and now both are colossal busts as far as Chicago is concerned.

We have a shaky offensive line and only two backups: career journeyman Metcalf and newcomer Barton. Barton looks like he can play but Metcalf has NEVER been the answer no matter what the question is. Chicago will have to make a play on another offensive lineman with Chris Williams taking up a roster spot. This could hurt Hanie or - with hope - Bradley.

Toeaina makes the final 53 man squad and for good reason. This kid outplayed everyone when given the chance last season and with Harris and Dvoracek's injury history he provides a solid backup and - in a pinch - starter.

Wolfe survives and too be honest I do not see how. AP is the most versatile RB on the Bears (and one of my favorites) but Wolfe is actually the 3rd best option in the return game and does not contribute anywhere else except scat back. He's another one that should not get too comfortable unless he can show some of his collegiate form but he's looking more and more like a poor man's Reggie Bush.

We'll start the season with Payne at safety and I have no idea why he's better than McGowan. McGowan was everywhere on the field every time he was out there and Payne did not impress me. For now, I'll write this off as being an uninformed fan.

McBride was an absolute surprise last season as a 7th-rounder who contributed and came out as a future starter ... this preseason he looks lost. I am hoping he can revert to form but if not ... see the above comments on guys who could be on the outside looking in.

Orton takes over the starting spot as I predicted. Now, let's see if he can lead this offense. I like what I've seen thus far.

How long will it be before KJ overtakes Forte for the starting RB job? I absolutely loved Jones coming out of Va Tech and Forte looks strong but Jones is a game breaker. Hopefully we can have a nice mix of the two this year but I think - if healthy - Jones will relegate Forte to the backup role.

I have recently thrown my hat into the ring for GM of Chicago. I will run with Creighton (see the suntimes and trib message boards) on the platform of AT LEAST WE'RE NOT JERRY FUCKING ANGELO!!! ... I like our chances!

Game Notes: Preseason Week 3

No tackling again on the first drive but Bears clamp down enough to force a field goal. We continue to make RB look All-Pro even unknowns.

Ugly reverse to Manning ends up paying off as he bolts down the field and damn near takes it back for a score.

Nice TD pass from Orton to Davis as he split three defenders and placed the ball perfectly.

The second drive starts much like the same with bad defense and watching RBs catch passes and rush for big yards.

Tough break for Tillman on a pass interference in the end zone. Tillman needed to get his head around but the ball was thrown badly and it leads to a 1st and goal from the 1.

Tillman makes up for it on 2nd and goal and blows up Frank Gore for no gain.

Dvoracek looks good in the goal line blowing up one play and then sacking O'Sullivan on 3rd and goal to force a field goal.

Danieal Manning has returned two kickoffs 70+ yards now. He's no Hester but there's something to be said for Dave Toub.

Vernon Davis bobbles a 50-yarder from O'Sullivan and it's called a completion. Going to review now but once again the announcers completely miss it but the Bears throw the flag. Late bobble it stands.

Next play O'Sullivan rolls out and hits an uncontested Hill for 37 yards in the endzone. Guess we should have maybe thought about keeping this guy, huh?

The San Francisco running and passing game are torching the Bears defense up and down the field. This is pathetic.

Garret Wolfe continues to make the case why he should be cut with a short kickoff return and a fumble that is recovered by San Fran at the Bears' 16 yard line.

O'Sullivan has thoroughly dominated the Bears so much, they are letting Alex Smith into the game with almost the entire 2nd auarter to go. In a dress rehearsal for the regular season, O'Sullivan has torn apart the Chicago defense with a nice balance of big play runs and even bigger passes. Smith's entrance into the game is a staggering indictment of how bad this Bear defense is and has been.

Smith takes over and the Bear defense continues to be unbearable - for Bear fans. 3rd and Goal and it's another holding penalty in the endzone for Tillman which looks ticky-tack but it's his second. San Fran punches it in on the next play.

San Fran has over 200 yards with over 11 minutes left in the 2nd quarter. Anyone worried yet?

Wolfe still can't make it passed the 20 but at least he holds on to the ball.

Huge play - 55 yars - from Orton to Bradley on busted coverage but BRadley still caught form behind.

4th and 1 and Matt Forte has nothing but running room and tries to drag guys with im into the end zone. Good run and excellent burst by the rookie.

Followed with a TD to Olsen that is called back by an illegal formation by Olsen. 1st and goal from the 7 now.

Screen to Devin Hester went nowhere with no one blocking and Hester trying whatever he could to create a hole.

A second TD from Orton to Davis. Fellas mark your fantasy leagues. The word around camp was Davis was taking it to the next level. This may be a glimpse into the future.

Hester fields the ball going into the end zone then tries to run it out. Hester, you are great, but don't try that shit again please!!!

Davis continues to make big plays grabbing a 23-yarder. Hats off to Orton for stepping up in pressure and finding is new favorite toy!

Orton hits Davis in the endzone and Davis drops it. OK, great job Rashied, we'll give you a pass on that one just don't make a habit of it. Game tied 20-20 on Gould FG.

Alex Smith hits Jason Hill for 31 yards. Hill looks like a super star in this half, beating Tillman. Not a good game for Charles but he gets a pass as well.

Izzy Idonije blocks the kick to end the half. Izzy who's kicked ass at every position he's played may be a backup but he's probably the best utility player in the NFL. What a stud!

Manning with another good return.

Kevin Jones first carry and what knee injury? Jones scampers - breaking tackles - for a loooong run!

Another good series for Orton that was stopped by a drop from McKie but he gets a pass. The 3rd down and 9 play is swatted at the line by a nice athletic play by San Fran's DE. Gould though misses the 48-yarder and it's still 20-20.

More and more missed tackles as the game rolls on. Alex Smith is moving the ball despite less than pin-point passing.

A TD by Alex Smith to Dominique Zeigler against the #1 defense of Chicago. 27 points in the first 36.5 minutes of the game by a San Fran offense that has more questions than ours. Yay defense.

Grossman in with the 1st string against the 2nd string San Fran Defense. The 49ers bring the pressure straight up the middle and make it look like a reverse situation.

Brandon Lloyd makes himself known with a nice punt block showing he can play two phases of the game.

Jerry Angelo Raises the Bar

1 2008 1 14 Chris Williams T CHI 0 0 0 Vanderbilt
2 2007 1 31 Greg Olsen TE CHI 2007 2007 0 0 0 14 39 391 2 Miami (FL)
3 2005 1 4 Cedric Benson RB CHI 2005 2007 0 0 1 35 420 1593 10 26 180 0 Texas
4 2004 1 14 Tommie Harris DT CHI 2004 2007 0 3 4 60 19.5 Oklahoma
5 2003 1 14 Michael Haynes DE CHI 2003 2005 0 0 0 42 1 5.5 Penn State
6 2003 1 22 Rex Grossman QB CHI 2003 2007 0 0 2 32 489 900 5907 31 33 52 76 1 1 -4 0 Florida
7 2002 1 29 Marc Colombo T CHI 2002 2007 0 0 2 55 Boston College
8 2001 1 8 David Terrell WR CHI 2001 2005 0 0 1 54 4 14 0 128 1602 9 Michigan

I mean for a GM who's seen more busts than Joe Francis, Jerry Angelo has really outdone himself. I mean, David Terrell(2001, 8th overall) was so bad he never started for anyone but Chicago and is out of the league. At least Terrell caught on with another team before being bounced from the league after a 4-year career in Chicago.

Then there was that double blockbuster of 2003 when Jerry boldly traded back to take Michael Haynes (14th overall) and Rex Grossman (22nd overall). Haynes managed to make it three years with Chicago, started 4 games, and was then bounced out of the league. Grossman, luckily for him, is with Chicago, the team that will keep you around indefinitely if you're a 1st-rounder and they can keep finding excuses for your lack of development.

Then of course, let us not forget Cedric "Two yards and a cloud of Bust" Benson (4th overall, 2005). Angelo sold this bag of shit as a "high character guy" and a "workhorse type back." After Benson proved both of which were false, he still was given the job as the starter despite showing neither talent nor desire. Thomas Jones was traded for a sack of magic beans after carrying the offense in the 2006 Superbowl run. Much like many oter first rounders of Angelo, Benson is enjoying his life with his millions and no NFL job.

But this season. THIS SEASON. Angelo raised even his bar. With everyone else in the NFL moving Chris Williams down their board because of injury concerns, Jerry Angelo used his 14th overall pick on Williams. Of course, Williams has already rewarded Chicago by making it through HALF A PRACTICE before needing surgery for that same back issue others were warned about.

Think about it. Michael Haynes actually needed 3 years to prove he was a bust and leave the NFL for good, never playing a meaningful down for any team except the Chicago Bears. But Chris Williams? He could actually set the record for being the biggest bust in Bear history by making it through only half a practice in his NFL history. His $9 million in garaunteed money, Williams could end up his career with a job that paid him about $1.5 million per minute he practiced!

Even Matt Millen has to tip his hat to such a colossal fuckup! Al Davis is green with envy (and possibly his lack of soul). Jerry Angelo you worthless bag of shit, please do everyone a favor and resign this position that you have spectacularly showed you cannot handle. Eat a bag of dicks you fucking hack!

Preaseason Game #1: Notes

I meant to post these the day after the game, but a flooded basement and the headaches that come with it got in the way. Here's my stream of consciousness as I watched the first game of the preseason:

Brandon McGowan is a stud ... 3rd down and long play McGowan separated receiver from ball but no one caught it. The missed call lead to the opening drive touchdown.

Trumain McBride looks absolutely terrible. I mean FUCKING terrible. He has regressed badly since last season.

Matt Forte looks ok ... Definite upgrade the way he hits the hole and sheds people. He also doesn't fall down after 2 yards so Jerry Angelo will probably try and trade him soon.

Grossman is Grossman ... Orton is safe but never going to be an all-star.

The d-line was consistently beat off the line in that first drive ... They recovered later but only showed some flashes. Including Mark Anderson putting good pressure on the QB in at least two occassions.

Rookie Marcus(?) Harrison looked good, but will he be consistent? And will he behave off the field?

Big fucking surprise, we wasted a pick on Chris Williams and his disc injury (more to follow in an article later) ... Rashard Mendenhall anyone?

Garret Wolfe made a statement that he belongs in the NFL ... He's got many detractors but you cannot dismiss his big play ability even though he's a gadget player.

Return guys were unimpressive .. no one can match Hester ,... Wolfe was drafted with that idea so let's use him when we're keeping Devin Hester safe.

Mike Hass once again showed why fans are clamoring for him making another great catch on a tough throw ... He later makes an uncharacteristic drop.

Hanie showed some feet when the play breaks down ... A mobile QB with good pocket awareness in Chicago is as rare as a good M. Night Shyamalan film.

PJ Pope continues to be a preseason rockstar ... why not give him a chance?

Rookie QB Caleb Hanie shows off some touch and some arm with a pass to fellow rookie Kellen Davis and follows up with a gun to to Brandon Rideau for the TD.

Rookie Zack Bowman with a good hit on kickoff return submarining the Chiefs returner.

3rd and short with a QB Hanie who is on fire and Bears run a FB ... Is that the coaches desperate effort to not add Hanie to the QB competition?

Projected 53-man Roster

Offense

Quarterbacks(3)
R. Grossman
K. Orton
C. Hanie

Running Backs(3)
M. Forte
K. Jones
A. Peterson

Fullbacks(1)
J. McKie

Wide Receivers(7)
M. Booker
D. Hester (returner)
R. Davis (2nd returner)
M. Monk
B. Lloyd
M. Bradley
E. Bennett

Tight Ends(3)
G. Olsen
D. Clark
K. Davis

Tackles(4)
C. Williams
J. Tait
J. St. Clair (can play guard)
K. Barton

Guards(3)
R. Garza
T. Metcalf
J. Beekman (can play center)

Center(1)
O. Kreutz

Defense

Defensive Ends(5)
A. Ogunleye
A. Brown
M. Anderson
I. Idonije (can play DT)
D. Bazuin

Defensive Tackles(4)
T. Harris
D. Dvoracek
M. Toeaina
M. Harrison

Linebackers(7)
H. Hillenmeyer
B. Urlacher
L. Briggs
J. Williams
M. Okwo
R. Wilson
D. McClover

Cornerbacks(4)
C. Tillman
N. Vasher
T. McBride
C. Graham

Safeties(5)
M. Brown
D. Manning (can play cornerback)
B. McGowan
C. Steltz
K. Payne

Special Teams

Long Snapper(1)
P. Mannelly

Kicker(1)
R. Gould

Punter(1)
B. Maynard

Benson Gone, Enough Ced

Remember the tears that flowed down the face of Cedric Benson on draft day years ago? The media spun it that Benson was so overwhelmed with joy and emotion that he couldn't hold it back ... Of course, that's what we the fans were told. However, people in the know, well this is from David Haugh:

"Benson was bugged that Jerry Angelo decided to draft him despite Benson's representatives making clear in a last-minute phone call that they and the Bears weren't on the same page regarding fundamental contract demands.
Benson was so filled with fury and frustration over the contentious contract battle he knew awaited him, one that eventually led to a 36-day holdout, that he couldn't fight back the tears rolling down his cheek."

Yes, folks, as if we didn't know Cedric Benson was a douchebag, head-case who was blessed with too many dollars and too little sense ... we also learned that Jerry Angelo was just as complicit in this as Benson. Angelo - through all the talk of "character guys" knew this guy was all about the money from the word GO and yet still wasted our 4th overall pick, millions of dollars, and countless second-chances on a guy who didn't want to be a Bear and spent his entire time being a malcontent more interested in running to the bank than running the ball.

Cedric Benson will go down as one of the all-time busts in Bear history, but it will also be a cautionary tale for every GM out there. The question continues to be how much longer can we watch Jerry Angelo make mistake after mistake and run these drafts into the ground. One offensive player Jerry and I mean one who PLAYS OFFENSE not a player like Benson who's simply OFFENSIVE.

Brian Urlacher Will Report to Mandatory Camp

Most major news outlets are reporting that despite all of the threats from Urlacher, he will report tomorrow to mandatory minicamp this weekend. Some could say Chicago finally came to their senses and is willing to renegotiate his contract. Others may say it's a sign Brian wants to be a Bear for life.

We say: if Urlacher did not report he'd be in violation of his current contract and would run the risk of paying back nearly $6 million of his signing bonus. His agents have helped create this public relations clusterfuck. Urlacher has lost.

Chicago has an $18 million re-working of his contract on the table with $5 million in garaunteed money. Look for Urlacher to re-up soon with this because he played chicken and lost ... Now if he plays chicken again, Bear management could easily take this generous offer off the table.

If his agent wants to represent another big-time athlete or even some single-A ballplayer from Minonka, he better have Urlacher sign this deal and put a big "I'm about the game and the fans" spin on it when he does. Done deal.

Questions from Around the Web

Who do you think is going to be the Bears' biggest competition to win the NFC North?
If by competition you mean "hinderance" I would say the frontrunner is Jerry Angelo followed closely by Lovie Smith. If you mean which team, I'd have to say all of them and none of them. They also are their own worst enemies: If the porn-stachio'd Aaron Rodgers can't cut muster in his first year as a starter, Green Bay will fold like a lawn chair. They were already decimated in the NFC title game and will have a long road back. In Minnesota (who beat Chicago twice last year), they have Purple Jesus, some big-name free agents, and a quarterback who makes Henry Burris look good. In Detroit, two words: Matt Fucking Clueless Millen.

Now that you have seen the Bears draft and their 2008 roster, what positions do you view as being the strongest and weakest in terms of personnel?
Offense and Defensive Coordinator = weak. General management = weak. Coaching = below average. The tight end, defensive end, and cornerback positions are rock solid. In general though the team is weak until further information comes in. Who's going to play safety? Can Urlacher's back hold up? Can Tommie Harris stay healthy and can someone actually start next to him? Who's going to man the o-line this year? Can Matt Forte make it at this level because we all know Drinky McTwo-yards cannot. Who's going to catch the ball and who the hell will be throwing it? My money is on Capt. Neckbeard over the Sex Cannon but I guess we'll see.

Do you think the Bears will go with one of the two undrafted rookies they recently signed as their third quarterback this season or will they try to add a veteran that's cut by another team?
The problem is there are really no good veterans worth adding at #3 even. If they wanted a veteran, they should have signed one early in the offseason and made a 3-way competition heading into camp. No, I believe Caleb Hanie will be the #3 heading into this season.

Cedric Benson was arrested and charged with boating while intoxicated and resisting arrest. What should the Bears do?
The Bears are going to move Drinky McTwo-yards into a houseboat off Lake Michigan. On game days, Benson will have his choice of alcohols before and during the game. Sure playing drunk may have it's disadvantages but apparently the key to getting Benson to "resist" anything (aside from his inability to "resist" falling down) can't be all bad. Who knows, maybe we'll get to see him break a tackle for the first time in his 5 year career.

Quick Slants

Cedric Benson (aka Drinky McTwo-yards) was arrested last week on Drunk Boating charges. Benson uttered these cryptic words saying "once again I'll rise to the occassion." Whether that "occassion" will be another drunken foray on his boat or getting out of bed to collect his oversized paycheck, I'm unsure at this time.

Speaking of dumbass things to say, Jerry Angelo (when talking about the Benson situation) stated:''It was a lapse in judgment." And if anyone should know about a "lapse in judgement" it would be a general manager who spent a 4th overall pick and millions of dollars on a guy with character issues, no work ethic, a lack of heart that would make the tin-man faint, and no discernible skills either socially or athletically.

As it came as no surprise to anyone, Adam Archuleta was cut on May 6th. Archuleta set the plight of white safeties back 20 years after signing the largest free-agent contract in NFL history at the position. In yet another brilliant defensive move by Lovie Smith, he lobbied for Archuleta just like when Archuleta was ready to sign that huge deal. This experiment turned out with the same success that has been met with firing Ron Rivera to let Bob Babich take over at defensive coordinator and letting Chris Harris go for a sack of magic beans.

Rookies say the darndest things: No, I'm not talking about 4 years ago when Cedric Benson said he'd be starting in place of Thomas Jones by week two ....we've all seen how that really unfolded. No, I am talking about 2nd-round pick RB Matt Forte who had this to say, "The quickest way to get on the field is to learn your pass protections. If you can block and protect the quarterback, then you can run your routes and catch the ball. It's really the fastest way to get on the field." You mean falling down at the initial point of attack after 2-yards isn't your primary responsibility on 3rd-down? Poor deluded kid, he'll catch on.

Brian Urlacher is at it again predicting he will sit out during mini-camp in protest of Chicago management not meeting his latest contract demands. The Bears offered an $18 million extension but Urlacher deemed it way too little. This from Ochy McBabyMamaDrama, the same guy who's skipped all voluntary workouts this offseason to lose out on a $50,000 workout bonus. In unrelated news, I am looking forward to my $900 tax stimulus check to help pay some of my son's $2,100 tuition for this year. Douchebag.

Robbie Gould finally got his contract extension making him the highest paid kicker in the NFL. Not bad for a guy who was working construction just a few years ago. Last seen, Joe Pa was doing Gould's yard work wearing an "I'm Robbie Gould's Bitch" t-shirt.

Something to Talk About

It started as rumblings but is quicly gaining ground. Cedric "Two yards and a cloud of bust" Benson may not be long in the Windy City. For a guy who should wear a mask and have Maurice Clarett ride shotgun every time he picks up his paycheck, this is long overdue. There are several schools of thought going about so I will try to summarize all of them.

First: Some believe Benson is not responding well to rehab. Should we be surprised that a guy whose work ethic rivals your brother-in-law who "can't find work" is having trouble putting in the hours to bounce back from a leg injury.

Second: Some believe rehab or not Benson is gone. Benson hasn't been able to pickup pass protection for the last 3 years; Forte comes into minicamp and the first thing he says he needs to do to make it to the field is pickup pass protection. The 2nd-string RB on any team has to be able to provide support for special teams. Benson can't block and he can't be a 3-down back (see Adrian Peterson). If Forte is worse than Benson, a step above Peterson, and picks up the pass protection ... Buh-bye Ced, don't let the blue and orange door hit ya in the ass on the way out.

Third: It's a combo of the two and Garret Wolfe. Wolfe was picked in the 3rd round last season and showed some flashes in the regular season as a change-of-pace back. Jerry Angelo isn't going to pull the plug on Wolfe after one year. Forte was drafted to be a feature back. Benson is not responding to rehab and wasn't very good on two healthy legs as it was.

Either way, it should be interesting. Here's to hoping that Forte is the real deal, and Wolfe evolves into a change-of-pace big play threat.

Coach hear our prayer.

2005 Draft: A Look Back

RD1#4 Cedric Benson RB Texas 5'10" 220#, 4.55 - Bust. Expected to lose his job to this year's 2nd round pick Matt Forte.
RD2#39 MarkBradley WR/RS Oklahoma 6'1" 201#, 4.43 - Projected #1 WR this season but has not stayed healthy as was the knock on him during college. Boom or bust heading into his 4th year.
RD4#106 Kyle Orton QB Purdue 6'3" 226#, 5.1 - Battling for the starting job at QB and has shown some flashes.
RD5#140 Airese Currie WR Clemson 5'10" 178#, 4.49 - Bust
RD6#181, Chris Harris SS/FS LA Monroe 6'1" 214#, 4.68 - Showed big game ability only to be traded for a sack of magic beans to Carolina.
RD7#220 Rodriques Wilson OLB/S South Carolina 6'2" 230# 4.6 - Still on the roster but can't sniff the field.

Draft Grade: D+ ... Two starters in the draft with Harris starting for another team.

Draft Scenarios: Second Guessing

Here's how Chicago should have drafted:
1. Rashard Mendenhall RB
2. Brian Brohm QB
3. Early Doucet WR
3. Mario Manningham WR
4. Anthony Collins LT
5. Roy Schuening G
5. Johhn Sullivan C
7. Josh Barrett S
7. Erin Henderson OLB
7. Kirk Barton RT
7. Marcus Monk WR

Draft Day Scenarios: Pick #70

Chicago with the 70th pick and here is who's available in order of who I like:

Early Doucet WR
Dan Connor OLB
Mario Manningham WR
Erin Henderson OLB
Pat Sims DT
Cliff Avril OLB
Earl Bennet WR
Xavier Adibi OLB
Andre Caldwell WR
DaJuan Morgan S

Draft Bits from Day 1

Keyshawn Johnson compares Matt Ryan replacing Mike Vick to replacing Dan Marino. You know if Dan Marino wasn't a hall of famer with a great record, millions of fans, and not in prison.

From Brad Biggs of Suntimes: "Mike Mayock of NFL Network reports that Vanderbilt
offensive tackle Chris Williams may be off draft boards for some teams because of a
``neck and cervix’’ injury. Williams was a model of durability during his college
career."
OMFGWTFBBQ! That is some fine reporting. Apparently we learned that WIlliams is not
only injured but he's also a bit of a pussy. A "cervix" injury? You may want to
check your sources. (Biggs did update his blog and thanked me for pointing out his misprint)

Chris Williams and his "cervix" will come to Chicago as Jerry Angelo did exactly what I predicted he would do: draft safe in the first round and then reach for a running back in round 2. In Brad Biggs's continuously updating blog, I hit it right on the head. Angelo continues to lead us down the path of mediocrity.

For those who want to question my moves: I would have selected Rashard Mendenhall with the 14th overall pick. Anthony Collins and Carl Nicks are still on the board as we head into Day 2 and either could have filled our need at tackle.

Draft Scenarios: Moving Back

With Jerry Angelo's track record, there is always the chance Chicago could move back in the draft if no one they have targeted is at #14 or if they have targeted someone(s) that could be available later in the round. Here are the best possible scenarios for moving back:

Philly moves up to #14 sending Chicago their 19th and 80th picks.
Washington moves up to #14 sending Chicago their 21st, 84th, and 96th picks.
Dallas moves up to #14 sending Chicago their 22nd, 61st, and 163rd picks.
Dallas (part 2) moves up to #14 sending Chicago their 28th, 61st, and 92nd pick.
Tennessee moves up to #14 sending Chicago their 24th and 54th picks.
And the least likely scenario ... San Francisco moving up sending Chicago their 29th and 39th picks for Chicago's 14th, 142nd, and 175th picks.

Just some scenarios to ponder heading into tomorrow.

Draft Scenarios: Targeted Picks Round #1, Pick 14

With the 14th overall pick, here is where the Bears should set their sites on April 26th. This is in order by preference, draft the highest rated player still on the board:

1. LT Ryan Clady - A solid LT who could start on opening day.
2. RB Rashard Mendenhall - A rare specimen of speed, power and game-breaking ability.
3. LT Chris Williams - A still-developing LT but definitely NFL-ready
4. OT Jeff Otah - Projects as a mauling RT with his huge size
5. OG Brendan Albert - Though some believe Albert could be a LT at the next level, that transition would take time. He'd be an opening day starter at Guard for any team.
6. LB Keither Rivers - The best LB in the draft and a possible need given Brian Urlacher's medical questions and Lance Briggs's attitude (and possible jail time).
7. QB Brian Brohm - If Matt Ryan is #1 in the draft, Brian Brohm is 1A. A solid QB with a good arm who could develop into a franchise quarterback in the NFL.
8. RB Johnathan Stewart - Coming back from turf-toe I do not like taking anyone who will be questionable heading into the season. That's why Brohm grades out ahead of Stewart.

Quick Slants

Chicago Sun Times reported that Brian Urlacher was in attendance to accept the Chicago Bear's Brian Picolo award. What the article failed to mention is that Urlacher actually shoved his hand up Jay Glazer's ass and had him give the acceptance speech.

Chicago is meeting at the last minute with Michigan State product Devin Thomas as a possibility at #14 overall. Matt Millen seen pointing, laughing while wearing his Charles Rodgers jersey.

Jerry Angelo told reports recently that he wants to get "at least three" starters out of Chicago's first 4 picks in the draft. The only thing standing in his way is instinct, talent evaluation, track record, and general management savvy. This guy coulcn't find three starters on a fucking menu at Applebee's.

With vountary workouts rolling around, the "no-fucking-shit" news is that Brian Urlacher has chosen to sun himself in Arizona rather than attend. This comes as no suprise as Urlacher has been vocal about his desire for a new contract. However, Lance Briggs who just got his new contract has been away. By skipping these voluntary sessions Briggs has already missed out on a $250,000 workout bonus. Another brilliant business move I am sure. Briggs defended his decision by saying he was attending to "family business" and some things were more important than money. Whether that business was attending to or fathering more illegitimate children Briggs did not specify.

The Brett Favre Revisionist History

I said I wouldn't write about it, but I just cannot help myself. The national fellation of Brett Fav-ruh has begun. Writers are tripping over themselves trying to out-do each other on who can make the biggest, douchiest statements and compare Fav-ruh to Michael Jordan, sliced bread, and the 2nd coming of Christ himself. Here's a look at revisionist history from this week:

Pete Prisco (CBS Sports): The Giants upset the Packers in the NFC Championship Game at Lambeau Field, denying Favre a chance at wining his third Super Bowl.
Actually this is the tip of the revisionist iceberg. I saw comments saying "Thanks for all the Super Bowls Brett!!!" That would be like me saying "Thanks for all the Super Bowls Rex!!!" It's been 11 years since Fav-ruh won his ONLY Super Bowl; "all those Super Bowls" means getting them two 2 in 1996 and 1997. He returned the following year to get trounced by Denver even as a 14.5-point favorite. The closest Green Bay would ever come again was this season when they lost the NFC Championship game at Lambeua as 12.5-point favorites.
You would think the Senior NFL Writer at Sportsline would know this ... but then you read Pete Prisco and realized the error in your assumption.

John Madden, scores of blogs, national articles, and countless polls: Brett Favre is the greatest quarterback ever!
Most of the rabid meatheads will spout all the records Favre has set while kinds omitting the obvious stuff like ... Since the 1997 Super Bowl, Fav-ruh has a 3-7 record in the playoffs and has several emabarassing post-season performances. The guy played 17 seasons as an iron-man, but has only one Super Bowl ring and more post-season failures than successes. Calling him the best ever is homre-ism at best.

Favre's Agent James "Bus" Cook: "Nobody pushed Bret Favre out the door, but then nobody encouraged him not to go out that door, either,"
Oh my god, they made Fav-ruh retire. You bastards!
Let's not forget that this guy was elevated to God-like status in Wisconsin and each of the last five years has held the organization over a barrel with the same "Will he retire, won't he retire" offseason. Let's also forget that Green Bay welcomed him back AGAIN this season even after 2005 and 2006 campaigns in which he posted some of the worst ratings of his life while compiling a 12-20 record.
To be honest, I would have encouraged Fav-ruh to retire before the 2007 if I were the GM. With young talent waiting in the wings and very little fan expectations, retirement would have better benefitted the Packers. With this last season and the way it ended in a decimating loss, Green Bay will likely struggle next season as they transition to a new quarterback and try to pickup the pieces from 2007. But don't tell that to Favre or Jame "throw the Packers organization under the Bus" Cook.

Mark Kriegel (Fox Sports): His accomplishments as a quarterback might be quantifiable, but his virtues are not. There's a reason Brett Favre is regarded as a kind of national treasure, that the affection directed his way violates all demographic suppositions, cutting across all the usual divides of race, class, sex and geography.
Really? Aside from the author, John Madden, and Peter King, Fav-ruh is a fucking national treasure? What demographics does he "cut accross"? Obese, middle-aged, white guys in Wisconsin is his core demographic. The only reason people revere him is for what he's done on the field. PERIOD. Do we really need to point out his shortcomings especially early in his career of being a bullheaded-douchebag and not a good teammate? Of course not, this is revisionist history. Those pesky drug and alcohol addictions need not be mentioned either.

Of course, I went out to a couple of message boards and decided to have some fun with the fans. Maybe it was when I pointed out Favre's lack of rings since he quit drinking and drugs, maybe it was when someone suggested a "suicide-watch" for Packer-nation and I told him "that would imply we want to stop them", or maybe it was just me being me. One passionate wordsmith had this to say:

"Hey shit-head, faggot Bear fuck! You're just jealous Brett Favre is better than any quarterback in history and if you say otherwise you're lying to yourself. The fucking Bears could combine Orton and Grossman together and they still wouldn't have the talent Favre has in his left nut! Even though the greatest QB ever retired (maybe) the Packers STILL made it to the NFC Championship this year and have the talent to go to the Super Bowl next season. Sleep well knowing that assfuck!!!"

I thought about several ways of answering this. I could point out Chicago has been to more Super Bowls in the past decade than Green Bay - with less-accomplished quarterbacks. I could point out that I may be a fag but at least I'm unfamiliar with the talent-level of my favorite QB's left nut. But I figured a picture was worth a thousand words (and maybe a couple more from the caption):


I sleep on a pile of discarded, unopened "2007 NFC Champion Green Bay Packer" memorabilia. The tears of Brett Favre make it more comfortable than it sounds!

Draft Scenarios: Clady vs. Mendenhall at #14?

Leading into Saturday's draft, we decided it would be a good idea to break down some scenarios in the 1st and 2nd round. If time allows, we'll also deal with the later rounds as well. First things first ...

Ryan Clady is a stud LT who could come in immediately and start for Chicago. Rashard Mendenhall is a phenomenal running back who could do the same. Granted, a hunchback with 5.5 speed could supplant Cedric "2-yards and a cloud of bust", but I digress. The odds are Ryan Clady does not drop this far, but if the scenario plays out ... We say pickup Clady. Picking up Clady would be two-fold boon to Chicago. First, he's a strong left tackle that could spell stability on that side of the line for years to come. Second, John Tait could move back to RT and possibly extend his career by at least a year. This would give Chicago solid bookends for the foreseeable future. Sure, Clady will struggle at times as a rookie, but that's why veterans like Olin Kreutz get paid the big bucks to help these young guys transition and know when to bail them out. Sure, I'd love the homerun threat Mendenhall, but Clady is the 2nd best OT on the board and after Sam Baker and Gosder Cherilus (both late 1st to early 2nd-round picks) the tackle positions drop off while there are still many good running backs on the board into the fourth round.

Brian Urlacher's New Contract Demands

Five years into his 9 year contract, Brian Urlacher is unhappy with the money he is making. Urlacher has said so much in words - or the words of doucheb-agent Drew Rosenhaus - and actions of skipping voluntary OTAs. This comes off a sub-par season where a 32 year old Urlacher was diagnosed with a degenarative condition in his lower back and offseason neck surgery. He also has 4 years left on his existing contract.

With guys like Devin Hester and Tommie Harris looking at long-term extensions, Urlacher is not going to find any new money in his pocket anytime soon. He might as well ask for a unicorn, three ponies, a sleigh ride from Santa, and fantastic voyage from Snoop Dogg. It's all pipe dreams unless he shows the Pro Bowl form of 2006 and proves that his neck and back are no longer problems.

In related news, I too would like a unicorn.

Go with Ditka.

Bill Parcells Teaches Turner and Babich about ABC

(Cubby Bear meetng room, coordinators and assistant coaches milling about when Bill Parcells enters with Lovie Smith)

Bill Parcells: Let me have your attention for a moment. 'Cause you're talkin' about what...you're talkin' 'bout...bitchin' about that season you just shot, some son of a bitch don't want to run hard in practice, somebody don't want what you're selling, some broad you're trying to screw, so forth, let's talk about something important. Are they all here?

Lovie: All but Toub.

Parcells: Well, I'm going anyway. Let's talk about something important.

(sees Turner pouring coffee)

Parcells: Put that coffee down. Coffee's for coaches only. You think I'm fuckin' with you? I am not fuckin' with you. I'm here from Halas hall. I'm here from Ted and Jerry. And I'm here on a mission of mercy. Your name's Ron?

Turner: Yeah.

Parcells: You call yourself a coach, you son of a bitch.

Babich: I don't gotta listen to this shit.

Parcells: You certainly don't pal 'cause the good news is you're fired. The bad news is you got all you got, just one season to regain your job, starting with this season, starting with tonight's meeting. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. 'Cause we're adding a little something to this years bonuses. As you all know, first prize is the Lombardi Trophy. Anybody want to see second prize? Second prize is a pat on the back for making it back to the Super Bowl you lost in 2006. Third prize is your fired. You get the picture? You laughing now? You got players. Ted and Jerry paid good money. Get their asses to work and put this team together. You can't coach the players you're given, you can't coach shit, you are shit, hit the bricks pal and beat it 'cause you are going out.

Turner: The players are weak.

Parcells: The players are weak. The fuckin' players are weak? You're weak. I've been in coaching 30 years ...

Babich: What's your name?

Parcells: Fuck you, that's my name. You know why mister? Cause you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight, I drove a fucking Escalade. That's my name.

(To Turner)

Parcells: And your name is you're wanting. You can't play in the man's game, you can't coach them? Then go home and tell your wife your troubles. Because only one thing counts in this life. Get them to play in that game in February. You hear me you fuckin' faggots.

(Points to the dry erase board)

Parcells: ABC. A, Always, B, Be, C, Coaching. Always be coaching. Always be coaching. AIDA. Attention. Interest. Decision. Action. Attention. Do I have your attention? Interest. Are you interested? I know you are 'cause it's fuck or walk. You coach or you hit the bricks. Decision. Have you made your decision for Crisakes? And action. AIDA. Get out there. You got the prospects coming in, you think they came in to get out of the rain? A guy don't walk in here unless he wants to play fucking football. They're sitting out there waiting to give you their all. Are you going to take it? Are you man enough to take it?

(To Babich)

Parcells: What's the problem, pal?

Babich: You, boss, you're such a hero, you're so great, how come you're coming down here and wasting your time with such a bunch of bums?

Parcells: You see this ring? You see this Super Bowl ring?

Babich: Yeah.

Parcells: That ring costs more than your life. I've made 2 trips to the Super Bowl, how many you make? You see pal, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father. Fuck you, go home and play with your kids. You want to work here, coach. You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cock-sucker. You can't take this, how can you take the abuse you get on a daily basis from Chicago media. If you don't like it, leave. I can go out there tonight, the materials you got, make myself a playoff contender. Tonight. In two hours.

(looking at Turner)
Parcells: Can you?

(looking at Babich)
Parcells: Can you?

Parcells: Go and do likewise. Always Be Coaching. Get mad you son-of-a-bitch. Get mad. You know what it takes to coach in the NFL?

(whips out his frank and beans)
Parcells: It takes brass balls to coach in the NFL. Go and do likewise, gents. The Lombardi Trophy is out there, you pick it up, it's yours, you don't, I got no sympathy for you. You want to go out tonight and figure out how to coach, coach, it's yours, if not, you're going to be shining my shoes. And you know what you'll be saying. Bunch of losers sitting around in a bar: ''Oh yeah, I used to be a coach. It's a tough racket.''

(makes drinking gesture with his empty hands ... then pulls out a stack of index cards)
Parcells: These are the new draft prospects. These are the 2008 NFL draft prospects. And to you, they're gold. And you don't get them. Why? Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. They're for coaches. I'd wish you good luck, but you wouldn't know what to do with it if you got it.

(To Babich)
Parcells: And to answer your question, pal: Why am I here? I came here because Ted and Jerry asked me to, they asked me for a favor. I said the real favor, follow my advice and fire your fuckin' ass because a loser is a loser.

Da Coach's March Letter to Duh Angelo

Hey numbnuts,

Just wanted to congratulate you on another great offseason. I mean, last season I thought you totally outdid yourself when you let your only offensive weapon go for a bag of magic beans. But this season? You're a front-runner for the INEPT hall of fame and that's saying something with that square-jawed, meathead Millen in the race; and let's not forget the crypt keeper out there in Oakland.

This year, you watched as your team tumbled back to one of the worst offenses in the NFL. And you sprang to IN-action by letting your best receiver go via free agency (you didn't even get beans this time!). Not only that, you systematically refused to sign ANY top free agent despite glaring needs at quarterback, runningback, wide receiver, and offensive line. This could be the first fucking offense in NFL history to post NEGATIVE yard totals for a season. You better teach Brad Maynard how to punt lefty because you can't expect one leg to take that much abuse.

Hell you could have even shaken things up a bit by jettisoning Ron Turner in favor of someone who can spin this pile of shit you created into something that looks like an NFL offense ... but you didn't. I guess you only lose your job in this coaching staff if you take a team to a Super Bowl.

And the quarterback position? Christ on a crutch what a clusterfuck. Congrats on getting anything more valuable than a bag of balls with that Brian Griese trade; yeah, who needs an experienced veteran quarterback anyhow? And when camp opens, your plan is to have an "open competition" between Rex Grossman, Kyle Orton and some camp body to be named later?!? For christ sakes your QB depth chart looks like a washed-up hooker: two useless boobs and one gaping hole. I hope you kept Henry Burris' and Kordell Stewart's cell phone numbers, you may need'em this year.

Finally, your number four overall selection at runningback is now entering his 5th season. Cedric "2 yards and a cloud of Bust" Benson reminds me of a young Rashaan Salaam ... minus the talent, speed, field vision, desire, dedication, and class. How he remains on this team is a mystery to myself, Chicago fans, the coaching staff, teammates, Benson himself, and even his own mother.

In short, you have finally amassed an offensive roster so talent-less, the XFL looks like a superior product. Jump out a fucking window.

Da Coach

Interview with Bernard Berrian

Q: So Bernard thank you for taking this interview. How are things going?
A: Great man. I just got a new house here in Minnesota. Bought me some bling. Check out these new earrings!

Q: Well despite the fact that this is a phone interview, yes those earrings are quite lovely. So Bernard, what do you think about analysts who say the Vikings overpaid for your services?
A: To be honest, I gotta agree. Only in America, man. No pro bowls. No thousand yard seasons. And 16 million garaunteed! Did ya see my earrings!!!

Q: So what are your plans for this season?
A: Good question. I plan on buying some new stuff. Maybe a dog fi- ... I mean a dog kennel like Mike Vick. Maybe some cool rims for my Escalade. You know, shiat like that.

Q: No, no, no. I mean what do you expect to do with the Vikings this season?
A: Oh, I plan on gettin' PAID, yo! I mean, 43 mil!?!

Q: No, I mean, are you still gonna underperform like you did in Chicago?
A: Without a DOUBT, son. I mean, all I have to do is cash my checks for the next two years. Get cut. And then it's another good payday!

Q: Wow, how do you sleep at night?
A: Awww man. On a big stack 'o money surrounded by beautiful women! Tell Chicago when Minnesota cuts me after year two I'm comin back to work my magic!!!

Cedric Benson's offseason weight-loss concern

News from Halas Hall came back that Cedric Benson has slimmed down in the offseason to nearly 15 pounds less than what he played at last season. A team official commented that Cedric had an offseason problem but has worked through it with the help of 2nd-string RB Adrian Peterson.

One Bears insider had this to say regarding the situation: "Cedric decided it was time for him to branch out on his own instead of following the meals and dietary requirements of the training staff. Being that he is a pampered, 220 lb pussy with no real-world experience, it was quite an adustment. He tried going to the local Dominics but he'd push the cart 3-6 feet and then - as customary - fall down on the spot. Even if he managed to move it an entire 10 yards or so he'd inexplicably ram it straight into an island or end cap. By the time he'd leave the store, he'd barely have two items in his cart and need three or four bagboys to assist him back to his car. This went on for about a month before we were finally called."

Asked about what has happened since, the source said, "Well he dropped about 25 pounds but now we have Adrian Peterson do his grocery shopping so he's managed to gain about 10 back and is still bulking up. ... He's still not allowed back at Dominic's though without full pads and a white protective helmet."

Saint Lovie's First Letter to the San Franciscans - re-written by Da Coach

Dear Sirs,
Hey you cheating scum bags,

We believe this last season you my have transgressed the rules and tampered with our linebacker Lance Briggs.
Last season you motherf'rs f'd with the wrong Bear.

By contacting his agent Drew Rosenhaus and trying to negotiate a contract for him while he still played for us is against NFL rules.
Despite the fact that his agent is a world-class douchebag, it's still against NFL rules to f'ing talk to the f'ing guy.

We plan on testifying to this in front of an NFL panel in New York.
See you in New York you gay biatches.

I hope we can resolve this matter expediently and in the future avoid such problems.
Pray to everything that is holy you don't play us next season.

Best Regards,
Lovie Smith
Get f'ed,
Da Coach

Da 10 Commandments

1. He is Da Coach, there is no other Coach besides him
2. Thou shalt not worship false Green Bay idols
3. Thou shalt not take Da Coach's name in vane
4. Keep holy all Bear's sabaths and the occassional Monday night
5. Honor thy Chicago Bear loving parents
6. Thou shalt not kill anything that is not wearing Green and Gold unless it's meaty and used for tailgating
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery unless thy wife is a Green Bay loving whore
8. Thou shalt not steal signals by videotaping other teams
9. Thou shalt not lie, the Chicago Bears are the greatest team then, now, and forever
10. Do not covet thy neighbor's obese, loud, Green Bay loving wife (who's probably a whore)

Our New Church

Welcome to Da First Church of Da Coach. A place where you can be together in all the love that is Da Bears, Da Coach and everything in between. Check back regularly and if you would like to contribute, drop me an e-mail at dacoach@gooutcheap.com.

Go with Ditka, my friends.