Jerry Angelo Unplugged with Larry Mayer

Jerry Angelo sits down with Larry Mayer (read it here) in a hard-hitting interview for ChicagoBears.com. Since this is all company line BS let's just throw aside Jerry's answers and give the real ones:

A lot has been written and said about the Bears’ No. 1 offense being out of sync in the preseason opener in Buffalo. What were your impressions of how the unit performed and how concerned are you moving forward?
Well first we have a pussy as our franchise QB. Seems like kinda stupid to me that I went out and got a guy I thought was a future hall of famer and he's a pussy. I mean, Brian Urlacher has stared down the abyss known as the Paris Hilton gash so if anyone has the right to call another man a pussy, it's Url. Second, we have a guy I just paid to be our #1 wide receiver playing like a retarded monkey, fucking a retarded football thrown by a fucking pussy. So yeah, I have some cause for concern but thanks for asking Larry, you cock.

What would you like to see from the first-team offense Saturday night against the Giants?
I'll be happy if they don't just shiat themselves and curl up into fetal positions. Really, right now I think the Terry Shea fiasco may end up looking like the golden era of Bear offense. Seriously, against the Giants? How about we see our offensive line sustain a block for longer than a gnat's dick and maybe our two overpaid, overhyped players actually do their jobs. If not, can I at least implore Olin Kreutz to punch out Ron Turner.

Did you have any problem with what Jay Cutler said about Devin Hester being "more of a go-get-it guy" and "not really a back-shoulder or jump up-and-get-it [guy]" after throwing an interception in Buffalo?
Do you actually come up with these questions on the spot or do you pre-pull them out of your ass? Really Mayer I see why you're such a snivelling little suck cunt. You have all the journalistic instincts of a comatose Dr. Z. I swear my dog farts more fucking coherent sounds than you make out of your gurgling fucking pie hole!

How would you assess how the defense performed against the Bills; what impressed you and where would you like to see improvement?
Are you shiatting me? Hell the only push I saw out of the defensive line all night was when they raided the snack bar after the game. Jesus tap dancing christ on a cracker we should have installed a fucking wading pool at the line of scrimmage for all the good those cock holes did. I guess what impresses me the most is Izzy adds weight last year and they use him oustide. This year he drops weight - like they ask - and they play him inside. What continually impresses me is I give these assholes great athletes like Izzy, Daneial, Devin etc. and they can't fucking screw them up fast enough. That's really fucking impressive to me! On top of that Lovie tells me we need Rod Marinelli to coach the d-line. Yeah, "oh-for-sixteen" Marinelli. I think this year our d-line may be the first team in history to actually record POSITIVE yards on sacks. Like: "hey that QB only picked up 4 yards on the scramble and that beats the hell out of the 7-10 yard slants he's been throwing all fucking day, so we'll count that as 1 sack for +4 yards." That kinda shit is what I'm expecting.

What are your thoughts on Brett Favre signing with the Minnesota Vikings?
Wow Larry do you really write these questions yourself or do you just copy off every other twat-waffle journalist in America? You know what I think about "The Brett", I think that attention-whoring, wrangler-wearing, country fucktard would do anything for fame. Hell, he'd bareback Ryan Seacrest on stage at American Idol just to get in the spotlight. Which is probably his backup plan for when his arm falls off and he's run out of Minnesota. That's what I think. Do you have any thoughts larry ... crickets? ... That's kinda what I thought. Go frame your fucking journalism GED and get me a coffee.

The Final 53?

Chicago has finished their preseason and the final 53 is in. Some disappointments and some questions still abound. Here are my thoughts:

Caleb Hanie is IN!!!! Our young QB who has looked like the best option we've had in my 33 years as a fan made the final roster. Hanie is the future of this team whether it's 2009 or 2010. Congrats to the undrafted rookie who has rejuvenated Chicago fans hope for what we've been missing: a true NFL quarterback with all of the skills needed to lead this team to our next championship!

Mark Bradley survives at the expense of Brandon Rideua. Bradly had better catch 50 passes this season for at least 3 TD's before I even begin to believe in this choice. Rideau will catch on somewhere else as each year he's become better and better. Good luck Brandon.

Last year's 2nd and 3rd round picks (Bazuin and Okwo) were sent packing. Good call on cutting them but WHAT THE FUCK were they drafted for in the first place? Both were reaches and now both are colossal busts as far as Chicago is concerned.

We have a shaky offensive line and only two backups: career journeyman Metcalf and newcomer Barton. Barton looks like he can play but Metcalf has NEVER been the answer no matter what the question is. Chicago will have to make a play on another offensive lineman with Chris Williams taking up a roster spot. This could hurt Hanie or - with hope - Bradley.

Toeaina makes the final 53 man squad and for good reason. This kid outplayed everyone when given the chance last season and with Harris and Dvoracek's injury history he provides a solid backup and - in a pinch - starter.

Wolfe survives and too be honest I do not see how. AP is the most versatile RB on the Bears (and one of my favorites) but Wolfe is actually the 3rd best option in the return game and does not contribute anywhere else except scat back. He's another one that should not get too comfortable unless he can show some of his collegiate form but he's looking more and more like a poor man's Reggie Bush.

We'll start the season with Payne at safety and I have no idea why he's better than McGowan. McGowan was everywhere on the field every time he was out there and Payne did not impress me. For now, I'll write this off as being an uninformed fan.

McBride was an absolute surprise last season as a 7th-rounder who contributed and came out as a future starter ... this preseason he looks lost. I am hoping he can revert to form but if not ... see the above comments on guys who could be on the outside looking in.

Orton takes over the starting spot as I predicted. Now, let's see if he can lead this offense. I like what I've seen thus far.

How long will it be before KJ overtakes Forte for the starting RB job? I absolutely loved Jones coming out of Va Tech and Forte looks strong but Jones is a game breaker. Hopefully we can have a nice mix of the two this year but I think - if healthy - Jones will relegate Forte to the backup role.

I have recently thrown my hat into the ring for GM of Chicago. I will run with Creighton (see the suntimes and trib message boards) on the platform of AT LEAST WE'RE NOT JERRY FUCKING ANGELO!!! ... I like our chances!

Jerry Angelo Raises the Bar

1 2008 1 14 Chris Williams T CHI 0 0 0 Vanderbilt
2 2007 1 31 Greg Olsen TE CHI 2007 2007 0 0 0 14 39 391 2 Miami (FL)
3 2005 1 4 Cedric Benson RB CHI 2005 2007 0 0 1 35 420 1593 10 26 180 0 Texas
4 2004 1 14 Tommie Harris DT CHI 2004 2007 0 3 4 60 19.5 Oklahoma
5 2003 1 14 Michael Haynes DE CHI 2003 2005 0 0 0 42 1 5.5 Penn State
6 2003 1 22 Rex Grossman QB CHI 2003 2007 0 0 2 32 489 900 5907 31 33 52 76 1 1 -4 0 Florida
7 2002 1 29 Marc Colombo T CHI 2002 2007 0 0 2 55 Boston College
8 2001 1 8 David Terrell WR CHI 2001 2005 0 0 1 54 4 14 0 128 1602 9 Michigan

I mean for a GM who's seen more busts than Joe Francis, Jerry Angelo has really outdone himself. I mean, David Terrell(2001, 8th overall) was so bad he never started for anyone but Chicago and is out of the league. At least Terrell caught on with another team before being bounced from the league after a 4-year career in Chicago.

Then there was that double blockbuster of 2003 when Jerry boldly traded back to take Michael Haynes (14th overall) and Rex Grossman (22nd overall). Haynes managed to make it three years with Chicago, started 4 games, and was then bounced out of the league. Grossman, luckily for him, is with Chicago, the team that will keep you around indefinitely if you're a 1st-rounder and they can keep finding excuses for your lack of development.

Then of course, let us not forget Cedric "Two yards and a cloud of Bust" Benson (4th overall, 2005). Angelo sold this bag of shit as a "high character guy" and a "workhorse type back." After Benson proved both of which were false, he still was given the job as the starter despite showing neither talent nor desire. Thomas Jones was traded for a sack of magic beans after carrying the offense in the 2006 Superbowl run. Much like many oter first rounders of Angelo, Benson is enjoying his life with his millions and no NFL job.

But this season. THIS SEASON. Angelo raised even his bar. With everyone else in the NFL moving Chris Williams down their board because of injury concerns, Jerry Angelo used his 14th overall pick on Williams. Of course, Williams has already rewarded Chicago by making it through HALF A PRACTICE before needing surgery for that same back issue others were warned about.

Think about it. Michael Haynes actually needed 3 years to prove he was a bust and leave the NFL for good, never playing a meaningful down for any team except the Chicago Bears. But Chris Williams? He could actually set the record for being the biggest bust in Bear history by making it through only half a practice in his NFL history. His $9 million in garaunteed money, Williams could end up his career with a job that paid him about $1.5 million per minute he practiced!

Even Matt Millen has to tip his hat to such a colossal fuckup! Al Davis is green with envy (and possibly his lack of soul). Jerry Angelo you worthless bag of shit, please do everyone a favor and resign this position that you have spectacularly showed you cannot handle. Eat a bag of dicks you fucking hack!