Broncos draft Tim Tebow in 1st Round

Proving that Josh McDaniels is dumber than owl-shit, the Broncos now have Captain Neckbeard, Brady Quinn and Tim Tebow as their QBs. Tebow who has all the NFL QB skill of that kid Corky from "Life Goes On" is taken in the first-round with Jimmy Clausen still available.

Well at least Quinn will have a partner to go out gay-bashing with while Orton is out banging all the low-quality skanks that Colorado has to offer.

Thoughts after 3 weeks

Where is Kevin Jones? We are going to wear out Forte at this rate. He's good but damn let's not turn him into Eddie George (a great RB who finally wore down).

Matt Millen has been fired only 6 years too late. This is great news for the Lions but bad news for the Bears as the joke from up north may actually find someone competent and how hard could it be to find someone better than Jerry Angelo?

Brandon Lloyd is looking good at the top spot on the wide receiver ... the problem is who the hell is going to step up at the #2? It sure as fuck isn't Rashied Davis.

We sent Mark Bradley packing and picked up a CB? What the fuck? Hey, I thought Bradley was going to be axed before week 1 but I thought it would be for Brandon Rideau. We have no #2 or #3 so what the hell is the kid doing on our practice squad ... give him a fucking chance!

Could we please quit passing the ball to Jason McKie and get Greg Olsen and Desmond Clark more involved? Olsen had a HORRENDOUS game in Week 2 but we have to move passed that. He and Clark should be leading this team in catches because a creative offensive coordinator should be using these guys to get mismatches.

Devin Hester returns this week and not a moment too soon. I was holding my breath every time Nate Vasher was sent back to return punts. He is much too valuable a CB to expose him to punt return duties.

Speaking of What the fuck ... I'm looking at you Peanut Tillman. You are a veteran and got baited into a fight by some lackluster wide out who is lucky to be even on the field. Fucking stupid.

Kyle Orton, you are no longer allowed to check out of a run on 3rd and short. You have a battering ram of a running back in Matt Forte so just give him the damn ball!

Could Mark Anderson be any more of a one-year wonder? Actually that entire d-line needs to get their shit together. Brian Griese throws 67 times and isn't sacked ... that is just plain horrible.

Chris Williams is back to practice and is "on no time table" to get on the playing field. I'm still waiting for him to get injured during a non-contact practice ... AGAIN; great pick, Jerry.

Bob Babich, it's time to update your resume. This defense hasn't been right since that meltdown of all meltdowns against Detroit last season. It's not working, bring in a REAL defensive coordinator!

Bear Report Week 1: Chicago 29, Indy 13

Chicago dominated the Colts on Sunday night at the new Lucas Oil Field in Indianapolis. Considering oil companies have been fucking all of us six ways to Sunday, it was nice to see Chicago extract a little payback.

Peyton Manning, fresh off two knee surgeries in which his knee became infected - possibly from gay homosexual buttsecks (that's the DCODC unofficial word) - was ineffective in his fist start since last season. Manning showed rust and had his timing and rhythm upset all night from constant pressure up the middle by Chicago.

Speaking of pressure, it was reported that during the game, Rex Grossman tried to buy some nachos but put on the spot when asked "Cheese or Salsa?" he panicked, ran backwards 15 yards, fell down and strained his MCL.

Capatain Neckbeard guided the offense well but it was rookie RB Matt Forte who stole the show. On a 3rd and 6 at midfield, Forte made a cut and then out ran defensive player of the year Bob Sanders enroute to a 51-yard TD scamper. Welcome to the NFL Matt Forte!

In a related story, Cedric Benson saw the play and exclaimed "I can do that", stepped off his bar stool, slipped on the floor, and knocked himself out. He's expected to miss his shuffleboard league for the next 4-6 weeks recovering.

All of the preseason hand-wringing - for now - seems to be much ado about nothing. The starting defensive unit looked like the 2006 Bears as they outplayed, out-muscled, and generally dominated a Colt offense generally considered one of the best in the NFL. DE Adawale Ogunleye spent so much time in the Colts's backfield, at one point Manning mistakenly called for him to run a go-route ... probably the pain killers Peyton was on.

Greg Olsen and Desmond Clark looked like the best tandem of TEs in the league making big plays when called upon. The two are favorite targets of Kyle Orton and with good reason. With an average to below average receiving corp, these guys make everyone around them better ... especially their QB!

Talking heads around the league have already dismissed this as a fluke, an Indy implosion, Peyton Manning not ready, Bigfoot, cats and dogs living together ... and blah, blah, fricking blah. HOWEVER, the douchebag of the week award goes to:

CBS Sportsline Gregg (the extra G is for GAY!) Doyel who is such a student of the NFL and often referred to as the Dali Lama of the NFL (or was that the Jay Mariotti of Doucheville, I forget) when he pronounced without a doubt:
"I'm not sure what to make of the 2008 Chicago Bears, but I'm sure of this: They're not good enough to beat the Indianapolis Colts 29-13. Not in Chicago, and definitely not in Indianapolis. Not at brand new Lucas Oil Stadium or the forsaken RCA Dome or the even skanky patch of urban blight located between the two domes."

Gee Gregg, you're right! We should petition the league to have this game stricken from the record books. Have this blight on the NFL and this injustice to humanity white-washed. Cut the fingers from our scribes and cut the tongues out of our orators so such a game shall NEVER be remembered ... or we could just call it an Indy beat-down at the hands of a Chicago team that may be better than everyone expected and move on. But of course, you can't be the new Mariotti without whipping on the Bears, right Gregg?

The Final 53?

Chicago has finished their preseason and the final 53 is in. Some disappointments and some questions still abound. Here are my thoughts:

Caleb Hanie is IN!!!! Our young QB who has looked like the best option we've had in my 33 years as a fan made the final roster. Hanie is the future of this team whether it's 2009 or 2010. Congrats to the undrafted rookie who has rejuvenated Chicago fans hope for what we've been missing: a true NFL quarterback with all of the skills needed to lead this team to our next championship!

Mark Bradley survives at the expense of Brandon Rideua. Bradly had better catch 50 passes this season for at least 3 TD's before I even begin to believe in this choice. Rideau will catch on somewhere else as each year he's become better and better. Good luck Brandon.

Last year's 2nd and 3rd round picks (Bazuin and Okwo) were sent packing. Good call on cutting them but WHAT THE FUCK were they drafted for in the first place? Both were reaches and now both are colossal busts as far as Chicago is concerned.

We have a shaky offensive line and only two backups: career journeyman Metcalf and newcomer Barton. Barton looks like he can play but Metcalf has NEVER been the answer no matter what the question is. Chicago will have to make a play on another offensive lineman with Chris Williams taking up a roster spot. This could hurt Hanie or - with hope - Bradley.

Toeaina makes the final 53 man squad and for good reason. This kid outplayed everyone when given the chance last season and with Harris and Dvoracek's injury history he provides a solid backup and - in a pinch - starter.

Wolfe survives and too be honest I do not see how. AP is the most versatile RB on the Bears (and one of my favorites) but Wolfe is actually the 3rd best option in the return game and does not contribute anywhere else except scat back. He's another one that should not get too comfortable unless he can show some of his collegiate form but he's looking more and more like a poor man's Reggie Bush.

We'll start the season with Payne at safety and I have no idea why he's better than McGowan. McGowan was everywhere on the field every time he was out there and Payne did not impress me. For now, I'll write this off as being an uninformed fan.

McBride was an absolute surprise last season as a 7th-rounder who contributed and came out as a future starter ... this preseason he looks lost. I am hoping he can revert to form but if not ... see the above comments on guys who could be on the outside looking in.

Orton takes over the starting spot as I predicted. Now, let's see if he can lead this offense. I like what I've seen thus far.

How long will it be before KJ overtakes Forte for the starting RB job? I absolutely loved Jones coming out of Va Tech and Forte looks strong but Jones is a game breaker. Hopefully we can have a nice mix of the two this year but I think - if healthy - Jones will relegate Forte to the backup role.

I have recently thrown my hat into the ring for GM of Chicago. I will run with Creighton (see the suntimes and trib message boards) on the platform of AT LEAST WE'RE NOT JERRY FUCKING ANGELO!!! ... I like our chances!

Game Notes: Preseason Week 3

No tackling again on the first drive but Bears clamp down enough to force a field goal. We continue to make RB look All-Pro even unknowns.

Ugly reverse to Manning ends up paying off as he bolts down the field and damn near takes it back for a score.

Nice TD pass from Orton to Davis as he split three defenders and placed the ball perfectly.

The second drive starts much like the same with bad defense and watching RBs catch passes and rush for big yards.

Tough break for Tillman on a pass interference in the end zone. Tillman needed to get his head around but the ball was thrown badly and it leads to a 1st and goal from the 1.

Tillman makes up for it on 2nd and goal and blows up Frank Gore for no gain.

Dvoracek looks good in the goal line blowing up one play and then sacking O'Sullivan on 3rd and goal to force a field goal.

Danieal Manning has returned two kickoffs 70+ yards now. He's no Hester but there's something to be said for Dave Toub.

Vernon Davis bobbles a 50-yarder from O'Sullivan and it's called a completion. Going to review now but once again the announcers completely miss it but the Bears throw the flag. Late bobble it stands.

Next play O'Sullivan rolls out and hits an uncontested Hill for 37 yards in the endzone. Guess we should have maybe thought about keeping this guy, huh?

The San Francisco running and passing game are torching the Bears defense up and down the field. This is pathetic.

Garret Wolfe continues to make the case why he should be cut with a short kickoff return and a fumble that is recovered by San Fran at the Bears' 16 yard line.

O'Sullivan has thoroughly dominated the Bears so much, they are letting Alex Smith into the game with almost the entire 2nd auarter to go. In a dress rehearsal for the regular season, O'Sullivan has torn apart the Chicago defense with a nice balance of big play runs and even bigger passes. Smith's entrance into the game is a staggering indictment of how bad this Bear defense is and has been.

Smith takes over and the Bear defense continues to be unbearable - for Bear fans. 3rd and Goal and it's another holding penalty in the endzone for Tillman which looks ticky-tack but it's his second. San Fran punches it in on the next play.

San Fran has over 200 yards with over 11 minutes left in the 2nd quarter. Anyone worried yet?

Wolfe still can't make it passed the 20 but at least he holds on to the ball.

Huge play - 55 yars - from Orton to Bradley on busted coverage but BRadley still caught form behind.

4th and 1 and Matt Forte has nothing but running room and tries to drag guys with im into the end zone. Good run and excellent burst by the rookie.

Followed with a TD to Olsen that is called back by an illegal formation by Olsen. 1st and goal from the 7 now.

Screen to Devin Hester went nowhere with no one blocking and Hester trying whatever he could to create a hole.

A second TD from Orton to Davis. Fellas mark your fantasy leagues. The word around camp was Davis was taking it to the next level. This may be a glimpse into the future.

Hester fields the ball going into the end zone then tries to run it out. Hester, you are great, but don't try that shit again please!!!

Davis continues to make big plays grabbing a 23-yarder. Hats off to Orton for stepping up in pressure and finding is new favorite toy!

Orton hits Davis in the endzone and Davis drops it. OK, great job Rashied, we'll give you a pass on that one just don't make a habit of it. Game tied 20-20 on Gould FG.

Alex Smith hits Jason Hill for 31 yards. Hill looks like a super star in this half, beating Tillman. Not a good game for Charles but he gets a pass as well.

Izzy Idonije blocks the kick to end the half. Izzy who's kicked ass at every position he's played may be a backup but he's probably the best utility player in the NFL. What a stud!

Manning with another good return.

Kevin Jones first carry and what knee injury? Jones scampers - breaking tackles - for a loooong run!

Another good series for Orton that was stopped by a drop from McKie but he gets a pass. The 3rd down and 9 play is swatted at the line by a nice athletic play by San Fran's DE. Gould though misses the 48-yarder and it's still 20-20.

More and more missed tackles as the game rolls on. Alex Smith is moving the ball despite less than pin-point passing.

A TD by Alex Smith to Dominique Zeigler against the #1 defense of Chicago. 27 points in the first 36.5 minutes of the game by a San Fran offense that has more questions than ours. Yay defense.

Grossman in with the 1st string against the 2nd string San Fran Defense. The 49ers bring the pressure straight up the middle and make it look like a reverse situation.

Brandon Lloyd makes himself known with a nice punt block showing he can play two phases of the game.

Preaseason Game #1: Notes

I meant to post these the day after the game, but a flooded basement and the headaches that come with it got in the way. Here's my stream of consciousness as I watched the first game of the preseason:

Brandon McGowan is a stud ... 3rd down and long play McGowan separated receiver from ball but no one caught it. The missed call lead to the opening drive touchdown.

Trumain McBride looks absolutely terrible. I mean FUCKING terrible. He has regressed badly since last season.

Matt Forte looks ok ... Definite upgrade the way he hits the hole and sheds people. He also doesn't fall down after 2 yards so Jerry Angelo will probably try and trade him soon.

Grossman is Grossman ... Orton is safe but never going to be an all-star.

The d-line was consistently beat off the line in that first drive ... They recovered later but only showed some flashes. Including Mark Anderson putting good pressure on the QB in at least two occassions.

Rookie Marcus(?) Harrison looked good, but will he be consistent? And will he behave off the field?

Big fucking surprise, we wasted a pick on Chris Williams and his disc injury (more to follow in an article later) ... Rashard Mendenhall anyone?

Garret Wolfe made a statement that he belongs in the NFL ... He's got many detractors but you cannot dismiss his big play ability even though he's a gadget player.

Return guys were unimpressive .. no one can match Hester ,... Wolfe was drafted with that idea so let's use him when we're keeping Devin Hester safe.

Mike Hass once again showed why fans are clamoring for him making another great catch on a tough throw ... He later makes an uncharacteristic drop.

Hanie showed some feet when the play breaks down ... A mobile QB with good pocket awareness in Chicago is as rare as a good M. Night Shyamalan film.

PJ Pope continues to be a preseason rockstar ... why not give him a chance?

Rookie QB Caleb Hanie shows off some touch and some arm with a pass to fellow rookie Kellen Davis and follows up with a gun to to Brandon Rideau for the TD.

Rookie Zack Bowman with a good hit on kickoff return submarining the Chiefs returner.

3rd and short with a QB Hanie who is on fire and Bears run a FB ... Is that the coaches desperate effort to not add Hanie to the QB competition?

Questions from Around the Web

Who do you think is going to be the Bears' biggest competition to win the NFC North?
If by competition you mean "hinderance" I would say the frontrunner is Jerry Angelo followed closely by Lovie Smith. If you mean which team, I'd have to say all of them and none of them. They also are their own worst enemies: If the porn-stachio'd Aaron Rodgers can't cut muster in his first year as a starter, Green Bay will fold like a lawn chair. They were already decimated in the NFC title game and will have a long road back. In Minnesota (who beat Chicago twice last year), they have Purple Jesus, some big-name free agents, and a quarterback who makes Henry Burris look good. In Detroit, two words: Matt Fucking Clueless Millen.

Now that you have seen the Bears draft and their 2008 roster, what positions do you view as being the strongest and weakest in terms of personnel?
Offense and Defensive Coordinator = weak. General management = weak. Coaching = below average. The tight end, defensive end, and cornerback positions are rock solid. In general though the team is weak until further information comes in. Who's going to play safety? Can Urlacher's back hold up? Can Tommie Harris stay healthy and can someone actually start next to him? Who's going to man the o-line this year? Can Matt Forte make it at this level because we all know Drinky McTwo-yards cannot. Who's going to catch the ball and who the hell will be throwing it? My money is on Capt. Neckbeard over the Sex Cannon but I guess we'll see.

Do you think the Bears will go with one of the two undrafted rookies they recently signed as their third quarterback this season or will they try to add a veteran that's cut by another team?
The problem is there are really no good veterans worth adding at #3 even. If they wanted a veteran, they should have signed one early in the offseason and made a 3-way competition heading into camp. No, I believe Caleb Hanie will be the #3 heading into this season.

Cedric Benson was arrested and charged with boating while intoxicated and resisting arrest. What should the Bears do?
The Bears are going to move Drinky McTwo-yards into a houseboat off Lake Michigan. On game days, Benson will have his choice of alcohols before and during the game. Sure playing drunk may have it's disadvantages but apparently the key to getting Benson to "resist" anything (aside from his inability to "resist" falling down) can't be all bad. Who knows, maybe we'll get to see him break a tackle for the first time in his 5 year career.

2005 Draft: A Look Back

RD1#4 Cedric Benson RB Texas 5'10" 220#, 4.55 - Bust. Expected to lose his job to this year's 2nd round pick Matt Forte.
RD2#39 MarkBradley WR/RS Oklahoma 6'1" 201#, 4.43 - Projected #1 WR this season but has not stayed healthy as was the knock on him during college. Boom or bust heading into his 4th year.
RD4#106 Kyle Orton QB Purdue 6'3" 226#, 5.1 - Battling for the starting job at QB and has shown some flashes.
RD5#140 Airese Currie WR Clemson 5'10" 178#, 4.49 - Bust
RD6#181, Chris Harris SS/FS LA Monroe 6'1" 214#, 4.68 - Showed big game ability only to be traded for a sack of magic beans to Carolina.
RD7#220 Rodriques Wilson OLB/S South Carolina 6'2" 230# 4.6 - Still on the roster but can't sniff the field.

Draft Grade: D+ ... Two starters in the draft with Harris starting for another team.

Da Coach's March Letter to Duh Angelo

Hey numbnuts,

Just wanted to congratulate you on another great offseason. I mean, last season I thought you totally outdid yourself when you let your only offensive weapon go for a bag of magic beans. But this season? You're a front-runner for the INEPT hall of fame and that's saying something with that square-jawed, meathead Millen in the race; and let's not forget the crypt keeper out there in Oakland.

This year, you watched as your team tumbled back to one of the worst offenses in the NFL. And you sprang to IN-action by letting your best receiver go via free agency (you didn't even get beans this time!). Not only that, you systematically refused to sign ANY top free agent despite glaring needs at quarterback, runningback, wide receiver, and offensive line. This could be the first fucking offense in NFL history to post NEGATIVE yard totals for a season. You better teach Brad Maynard how to punt lefty because you can't expect one leg to take that much abuse.

Hell you could have even shaken things up a bit by jettisoning Ron Turner in favor of someone who can spin this pile of shit you created into something that looks like an NFL offense ... but you didn't. I guess you only lose your job in this coaching staff if you take a team to a Super Bowl.

And the quarterback position? Christ on a crutch what a clusterfuck. Congrats on getting anything more valuable than a bag of balls with that Brian Griese trade; yeah, who needs an experienced veteran quarterback anyhow? And when camp opens, your plan is to have an "open competition" between Rex Grossman, Kyle Orton and some camp body to be named later?!? For christ sakes your QB depth chart looks like a washed-up hooker: two useless boobs and one gaping hole. I hope you kept Henry Burris' and Kordell Stewart's cell phone numbers, you may need'em this year.

Finally, your number four overall selection at runningback is now entering his 5th season. Cedric "2 yards and a cloud of Bust" Benson reminds me of a young Rashaan Salaam ... minus the talent, speed, field vision, desire, dedication, and class. How he remains on this team is a mystery to myself, Chicago fans, the coaching staff, teammates, Benson himself, and even his own mother.

In short, you have finally amassed an offensive roster so talent-less, the XFL looks like a superior product. Jump out a fucking window.

Da Coach