Da Coach's March Letter to Duh Angelo

Hey numbnuts,

Just wanted to congratulate you on another great offseason. I mean, last season I thought you totally outdid yourself when you let your only offensive weapon go for a bag of magic beans. But this season? You're a front-runner for the INEPT hall of fame and that's saying something with that square-jawed, meathead Millen in the race; and let's not forget the crypt keeper out there in Oakland.

This year, you watched as your team tumbled back to one of the worst offenses in the NFL. And you sprang to IN-action by letting your best receiver go via free agency (you didn't even get beans this time!). Not only that, you systematically refused to sign ANY top free agent despite glaring needs at quarterback, runningback, wide receiver, and offensive line. This could be the first fucking offense in NFL history to post NEGATIVE yard totals for a season. You better teach Brad Maynard how to punt lefty because you can't expect one leg to take that much abuse.

Hell you could have even shaken things up a bit by jettisoning Ron Turner in favor of someone who can spin this pile of shit you created into something that looks like an NFL offense ... but you didn't. I guess you only lose your job in this coaching staff if you take a team to a Super Bowl.

And the quarterback position? Christ on a crutch what a clusterfuck. Congrats on getting anything more valuable than a bag of balls with that Brian Griese trade; yeah, who needs an experienced veteran quarterback anyhow? And when camp opens, your plan is to have an "open competition" between Rex Grossman, Kyle Orton and some camp body to be named later?!? For christ sakes your QB depth chart looks like a washed-up hooker: two useless boobs and one gaping hole. I hope you kept Henry Burris' and Kordell Stewart's cell phone numbers, you may need'em this year.

Finally, your number four overall selection at runningback is now entering his 5th season. Cedric "2 yards and a cloud of Bust" Benson reminds me of a young Rashaan Salaam ... minus the talent, speed, field vision, desire, dedication, and class. How he remains on this team is a mystery to myself, Chicago fans, the coaching staff, teammates, Benson himself, and even his own mother.

In short, you have finally amassed an offensive roster so talent-less, the XFL looks like a superior product. Jump out a fucking window.

Da Coach