Where do we go from here?

I hate to break the news to everyone but Chicago isn't making the playoffs this year. The team has more problems than solutions so now the unenviable task of cleaning up his own clusterfuck falls on the shoulders of Jerry Angelo. I of course want wholesale changes including the firing of Ted Phillips, Jerry Angelo, and Greg Gabriel. However, since that's not exactly a plan I guess I need to offer something up or quit my bitching.

This year:
1. Put Pace on the bench and get Chris Williams at LT. Williams is not a RT and will never be one. He was drafted to play LT and Pace is done. If Williams cannot do the job it's better to know that now and - if he sucks - see what we have in Omiyale because he's sure as shit not a guard.
2. Put Shaffer in at RT for evaluation. If he sucks, Lance Louis can use the reps. If they both suck then put Pace in. If all 3 suck then we know where we need to focus next FA period and draft.
3. Move Hester to the slot and let Knox and Bennett play. Knox has game-changing ability and keeping him off the field is galactically stupid. Bennett needs to be more consistent and show more to make it on the field next season.
4. Either put Manning at FS and leave him there or put him at Nickel and leave him there. Pick a fucking spot.
5. Put Briggs in the middle. A WLB's best attribute is usually his ability to get sideline to sideline and blitz the QB. Briggs can do the former, but sucks at the latter. Jamar Williams is a playmaker and could bring your best 2 LB's on the field.
6. Give Tim Shaw a shot at the revolving door at SLB. We're in evaluation period from here on out so why not give the kid a shot, he's hungry and has a nose for the ball.

Offseason
1. Cut Pace - he's old and done
2. Install Beekman as the starting center. Give Kreutz the option to stay on or be traded. Kreutz has deteriorated greatly over the last 2 years and is no longer needed as the offense's vocal leader now that Chicago has their franchise QB.
3. Make a decision on LT. Let Williams and Omiyale battle it out for the position.
4. Cut Craig Steltz. On a scheme that needs a pass defensing free safety, Chicago has a log-jam of run-stopping strong safeties.
5. End the Garret Wolfe experiment. I don't care what he does on ST he's just not good. That was a huge reach and waste of a 3rd-round pick.
6. If Urlacher is back and the rest did him good move him back to the middle and Briggs to WLB. This will put Williams back to the bench but we need to hold onto him. If Urlacher is in decline like he has been, then give him the option to stay on as backup or trade him.

7. Move Hester to slot permanently and get him back to returning kickoffs and punts. You have the most dangerous weapon football so USE HIM AT WHAT HE DOES BEST YOU ASSCLOWNS!

8. Trade Tommie Harris. I don't care if once traded he wins NFL Defensive Player of the Year. Allow me to paraphrase Mike Singletary in saying with Tommie you can't count on him, you can't play with him, you can't win with him.

9. Fire Ron Turner and find a competent (read experienced) offensive coordinator who can build his playbook around the franchise QB.

10. Fire Rod Marinelli. I keep hearing about how our guys are out of their gaps and that's why we're getting our asses handed to us on a weekly basis. Marinelli was brought in to fix the d-line and so far it looks like he's doing as good of job with it as he did with the Lions. Last year the d-line compiled 23.5 sacks. This year they are projected to get 24.6 sacks. Wow, that's some terrific turnaround there!
11. Waive bye-bye to Mark Anderson and Ogunleye. Don't get in a bidding war just let them go and take the compensatory pick(s) if they do anything next season.



Free Agents and Draft
When you talk about FA signings and the draft you need to have a fluid plan that can adjust accordingly based upon circumstances (e.g. bidding wars, susprise cuts, etc.). Here are the places Chicago needs to upgrade without delay:



1. Chicago NEEDS a veteran WR. When you look at the roster and it consists of a 2 converted DB's, a 2nd-year man who didn't get on the field his rookie year, and a rookie ... Well it's not very much of a stretch to realize Chicago is in dire need of a veteran WR to help Cutler. I would like to see Chicago make a play for one of these 4 guys:

A. Brandon Marshall of the Donkeys - The disgruntled WR wants out of Denver and maybe Chicago could get a nice "hometown discount" for reuniting him and Cutler - the guy who helped get him to those Pro Bowls.

B. Vincent Jackson of the Bolts - Big, fast, and smart. The guy is a nightmare to opposing defenses and would give Cutler a big, sure-handed target. Cutler is a fan of big receivers, let's get him what he needs.

C. Steve Breaston or Anquan Boldin of the Cardinals - Breaston is headed to free agency and the Cardinals will want to lock him up or send him packing. With the shenangians of Boldin this would prove a ripe time to pluck Breaston with a high offer or pluck Boldin if Arizona is committing to Breaston.



2. The Bears are also in need of a formidable free safety who can cover. Since Mike Brown, no one has come close to filling those shoes. I'd like to land one of these three guys:

A. Nick Collins of the Packers - Collins would have the benefit of knowing his opposition quite well and we get the added bonus of screwing the Packers which always makes me smile.

B. Will Allen of the Bucs - Hey if we're going to be Tampa North, at least let's get one of their actual good players. If we can waste a fucking 2nd-round pick on Gaines Adams we could find a nice contract for Will Allen.

C. Josh Barrett of the Donkeys - Barrett fared well his rookie season after being called up from the practice squad due to injuries. Barrett (for those who remember admonishing Angelo for no getting him 2 drafts ago) is the prototype of a cover-2 free safety. This year, with the regime change, Barrett is struggling to get in at the Nickel position. A 2011 6th or 7th-round pick could entice a trade.



3. Find a pass rusher. This team needs someone who can rush the passer. I love Alex Brown but he's a solid, all-around player. We need someone to put opposite of him that can be a disruptive force on opposing QB's. Ogunleye and Anderson will both be gone so it's either promote from within or take a look at these 3 guys:

A. Aaron Kampman of the Cheesedicks - Kampman finds himself in a new 3-4 scheme and his 2.5 sacks this season will not be sending him back to Honolulu. Kampman is a natural fit in a 4-3 and would a great rush end for Chciago. Also, with the down year he's coming off, he could be had at a reasonable contract price one would hope.

B. Julius Peppers of the Panthers - At 29 he's still performing at a high level. You have to admit the freak is a presence on pass rushing situations. Rotating him with Izzy to spell the guy would be a great idea as well.
C. Elvis Dumervil of the Donkeys - Has proven to be a force in both 4-3 and 3-4 defenses. He'll command big bucks but he's worth every penny.


4. Upgrade the offensive line. An offensive lineman can be found in the later rounds but here are 3 guys up for free agency that could help immediately. I would like to see Chicago land one of these three:
A. RT Winston Justice of the Iggles - Watched him at USC and he's as solid as they come at the right tackle position.
B. LG Logan Mankins of the 18-1's - Agile and can both run and pass block. Mankins would be an intant upgrade for Cutler's blind side.
C. RG Jahri Evans of the Saints - Evans will more than likely get a long-term deal so it's a bit of a reach. But the guy is a beast.

With these free agent targets we turn toward the draft. I believe that realistically you can find at least 2 free agents on the list of 17. From there the draft has to be to plug the places that you missed. I always feel that o-lineman can be found in the later rounds and luckily we at least have some high 3rd-5th round picks. If Chicago ignores all of the FA's please let them address the veteran WR. We cannot have inexperienced guys like this and a lack of a #1 or even #2 when we finally have a franchise QB. I guess we will see what happens in the coming months but I am not going to hold my breath. Will you?

Brian Urlacher Will Report to Mandatory Camp

Most major news outlets are reporting that despite all of the threats from Urlacher, he will report tomorrow to mandatory minicamp this weekend. Some could say Chicago finally came to their senses and is willing to renegotiate his contract. Others may say it's a sign Brian wants to be a Bear for life.

We say: if Urlacher did not report he'd be in violation of his current contract and would run the risk of paying back nearly $6 million of his signing bonus. His agents have helped create this public relations clusterfuck. Urlacher has lost.

Chicago has an $18 million re-working of his contract on the table with $5 million in garaunteed money. Look for Urlacher to re-up soon with this because he played chicken and lost ... Now if he plays chicken again, Bear management could easily take this generous offer off the table.

If his agent wants to represent another big-time athlete or even some single-A ballplayer from Minonka, he better have Urlacher sign this deal and put a big "I'm about the game and the fans" spin on it when he does. Done deal.

Quick Slants

Cedric Benson (aka Drinky McTwo-yards) was arrested last week on Drunk Boating charges. Benson uttered these cryptic words saying "once again I'll rise to the occassion." Whether that "occassion" will be another drunken foray on his boat or getting out of bed to collect his oversized paycheck, I'm unsure at this time.

Speaking of dumbass things to say, Jerry Angelo (when talking about the Benson situation) stated:''It was a lapse in judgment." And if anyone should know about a "lapse in judgement" it would be a general manager who spent a 4th overall pick and millions of dollars on a guy with character issues, no work ethic, a lack of heart that would make the tin-man faint, and no discernible skills either socially or athletically.

As it came as no surprise to anyone, Adam Archuleta was cut on May 6th. Archuleta set the plight of white safeties back 20 years after signing the largest free-agent contract in NFL history at the position. In yet another brilliant defensive move by Lovie Smith, he lobbied for Archuleta just like when Archuleta was ready to sign that huge deal. This experiment turned out with the same success that has been met with firing Ron Rivera to let Bob Babich take over at defensive coordinator and letting Chris Harris go for a sack of magic beans.

Rookies say the darndest things: No, I'm not talking about 4 years ago when Cedric Benson said he'd be starting in place of Thomas Jones by week two ....we've all seen how that really unfolded. No, I am talking about 2nd-round pick RB Matt Forte who had this to say, "The quickest way to get on the field is to learn your pass protections. If you can block and protect the quarterback, then you can run your routes and catch the ball. It's really the fastest way to get on the field." You mean falling down at the initial point of attack after 2-yards isn't your primary responsibility on 3rd-down? Poor deluded kid, he'll catch on.

Brian Urlacher is at it again predicting he will sit out during mini-camp in protest of Chicago management not meeting his latest contract demands. The Bears offered an $18 million extension but Urlacher deemed it way too little. This from Ochy McBabyMamaDrama, the same guy who's skipped all voluntary workouts this offseason to lose out on a $50,000 workout bonus. In unrelated news, I am looking forward to my $900 tax stimulus check to help pay some of my son's $2,100 tuition for this year. Douchebag.

Robbie Gould finally got his contract extension making him the highest paid kicker in the NFL. Not bad for a guy who was working construction just a few years ago. Last seen, Joe Pa was doing Gould's yard work wearing an "I'm Robbie Gould's Bitch" t-shirt.

Quick Slants

Chicago Sun Times reported that Brian Urlacher was in attendance to accept the Chicago Bear's Brian Picolo award. What the article failed to mention is that Urlacher actually shoved his hand up Jay Glazer's ass and had him give the acceptance speech.

Chicago is meeting at the last minute with Michigan State product Devin Thomas as a possibility at #14 overall. Matt Millen seen pointing, laughing while wearing his Charles Rodgers jersey.

Jerry Angelo told reports recently that he wants to get "at least three" starters out of Chicago's first 4 picks in the draft. The only thing standing in his way is instinct, talent evaluation, track record, and general management savvy. This guy coulcn't find three starters on a fucking menu at Applebee's.

With vountary workouts rolling around, the "no-fucking-shit" news is that Brian Urlacher has chosen to sun himself in Arizona rather than attend. This comes as no suprise as Urlacher has been vocal about his desire for a new contract. However, Lance Briggs who just got his new contract has been away. By skipping these voluntary sessions Briggs has already missed out on a $250,000 workout bonus. Another brilliant business move I am sure. Briggs defended his decision by saying he was attending to "family business" and some things were more important than money. Whether that business was attending to or fathering more illegitimate children Briggs did not specify.

Brian Urlacher's New Contract Demands

Five years into his 9 year contract, Brian Urlacher is unhappy with the money he is making. Urlacher has said so much in words - or the words of doucheb-agent Drew Rosenhaus - and actions of skipping voluntary OTAs. This comes off a sub-par season where a 32 year old Urlacher was diagnosed with a degenarative condition in his lower back and offseason neck surgery. He also has 4 years left on his existing contract.

With guys like Devin Hester and Tommie Harris looking at long-term extensions, Urlacher is not going to find any new money in his pocket anytime soon. He might as well ask for a unicorn, three ponies, a sleigh ride from Santa, and fantastic voyage from Snoop Dogg. It's all pipe dreams unless he shows the Pro Bowl form of 2006 and proves that his neck and back are no longer problems.

In related news, I too would like a unicorn.

Go with Ditka.