Jerry Angelo Unplugged with Larry Mayer

Jerry Angelo sits down with Larry Mayer (read it here) in a hard-hitting interview for ChicagoBears.com. Since this is all company line BS let's just throw aside Jerry's answers and give the real ones:

A lot has been written and said about the Bears’ No. 1 offense being out of sync in the preseason opener in Buffalo. What were your impressions of how the unit performed and how concerned are you moving forward?
Well first we have a pussy as our franchise QB. Seems like kinda stupid to me that I went out and got a guy I thought was a future hall of famer and he's a pussy. I mean, Brian Urlacher has stared down the abyss known as the Paris Hilton gash so if anyone has the right to call another man a pussy, it's Url. Second, we have a guy I just paid to be our #1 wide receiver playing like a retarded monkey, fucking a retarded football thrown by a fucking pussy. So yeah, I have some cause for concern but thanks for asking Larry, you cock.

What would you like to see from the first-team offense Saturday night against the Giants?
I'll be happy if they don't just shiat themselves and curl up into fetal positions. Really, right now I think the Terry Shea fiasco may end up looking like the golden era of Bear offense. Seriously, against the Giants? How about we see our offensive line sustain a block for longer than a gnat's dick and maybe our two overpaid, overhyped players actually do their jobs. If not, can I at least implore Olin Kreutz to punch out Ron Turner.

Did you have any problem with what Jay Cutler said about Devin Hester being "more of a go-get-it guy" and "not really a back-shoulder or jump up-and-get-it [guy]" after throwing an interception in Buffalo?
Do you actually come up with these questions on the spot or do you pre-pull them out of your ass? Really Mayer I see why you're such a snivelling little suck cunt. You have all the journalistic instincts of a comatose Dr. Z. I swear my dog farts more fucking coherent sounds than you make out of your gurgling fucking pie hole!

How would you assess how the defense performed against the Bills; what impressed you and where would you like to see improvement?
Are you shiatting me? Hell the only push I saw out of the defensive line all night was when they raided the snack bar after the game. Jesus tap dancing christ on a cracker we should have installed a fucking wading pool at the line of scrimmage for all the good those cock holes did. I guess what impresses me the most is Izzy adds weight last year and they use him oustide. This year he drops weight - like they ask - and they play him inside. What continually impresses me is I give these assholes great athletes like Izzy, Daneial, Devin etc. and they can't fucking screw them up fast enough. That's really fucking impressive to me! On top of that Lovie tells me we need Rod Marinelli to coach the d-line. Yeah, "oh-for-sixteen" Marinelli. I think this year our d-line may be the first team in history to actually record POSITIVE yards on sacks. Like: "hey that QB only picked up 4 yards on the scramble and that beats the hell out of the 7-10 yard slants he's been throwing all fucking day, so we'll count that as 1 sack for +4 yards." That kinda shit is what I'm expecting.

What are your thoughts on Brett Favre signing with the Minnesota Vikings?
Wow Larry do you really write these questions yourself or do you just copy off every other twat-waffle journalist in America? You know what I think about "The Brett", I think that attention-whoring, wrangler-wearing, country fucktard would do anything for fame. Hell, he'd bareback Ryan Seacrest on stage at American Idol just to get in the spotlight. Which is probably his backup plan for when his arm falls off and he's run out of Minnesota. That's what I think. Do you have any thoughts larry ... crickets? ... That's kinda what I thought. Go frame your fucking journalism GED and get me a coffee.

Pete Prisco doh'not like The Brett

I don't know what the world is coming to but this week I actually agreed with a Pete Prisco article basically saying that The Brett is an egomaniac trying to extend his glory days at the expense of his own legacy. Apparently Prisco got the by-line but the 10,000 monkeys writing the article should get full credit. Full article here.

"What do a nasty pimple, a pesky cockroach and Brett Favre all have in common?"
You've fellated two of the three and all you have to show for it is a nasty pimple?

"Favre? Nothing will keep him away. His ego is too great. When his body says no, and his game screams "Hell no!" he plays on."
Well "plays" isn't really an accurate word. More like chucks interceptions like escort service flyers on the Vegas Strip.

"Most of the national media will fawn over Favre's decision Tuesday to sign with the Minnesota Vikings, but I don't think it's a good move."
Giving 40-yo attention-whore $12 million when he's clearly well passed his prime, coming off shoulder surgery and an embarassing season is not a smart move? Do tell Pete!

"I keep hearing how Tarvaris Jackson and Sage Rosenfels -- the two quarterbacks who were competing to be the starter until Favre so rudely interrupted training camp -- aren't in his class.
Well, Brett Favre isn't Brett Favre."
He's actually Barack Obama and until you show me his birth certificate I'm not budging on this one.

"Was every Favre fan and Favre-fawning writer blind drunk last season? Did they see the same quarterback I saw?"
Well, to be fair they WERE watching the Jets so I think that's a given.

"When Favre announced last month that he planned to stay retired, he said, "I didn't feel like physically I could play at a level that was acceptable."
Something changed in three weeks.
Training camp ended."
Ding-ding-ding-ding, looks like Pete found the CLUE TRAIN!

"Favre has never been a fan of offseason work and training camp. He likes staying on the tractor in Mississippi as long as he possibly can. That's why when he said he was staying retired last month, we all shook our heads and said the same thing.
Yeah, right. Why don't you think he was linked to a network for television work?"
Well besides the obvious? I mean, have you heard the guy speak? He makes Magic Johnson look downright lucid.

"He loves the spotlight and some players who have played with him in the past say his wife loves it even more. She's just Mrs. Favre, they say, when baling hay in the Wrangler jeans, but she's Brett Favre's wife when he plays."
Real. Comfortable. Attention-whores.

"There will be many who will say the Vikings are now the team to beat."
And many will say Da Church of Da Coach has the biggest schlong in 4 states but writing it on the internets doesn't automatically make it true (but it's damn fine rumor!)

"If the arm was such an issue, why didn't he sit down? If that's the excuse now, and we've heard it from the many in the media who drool at the site of his name on the back of a jersey, any jersey, didn't he do his team a disservice by playing through it?
If it's an excuse now, it was selfish then."
Well Pete how dare you!? That's just Brett being Brett. You know, playing through pain, tossing pick-6's like you toss butt darts at Clark Judge. You know how it is!

The Brett Arrives in Minnesota

(Inside Minnesota locker room present day, Favre walks in)
The Brett: Hey you beagle-fucker?
John David Booty: Um ... me?
TB: Yeah you douche-rific! Get over here!
JDB: Yes Mr. Favre.
TB: You better take off that #4 fucking jersey or I'll be all over you like gay on Brady Quinn. You got me you talentless Leinart cock taster?
JDB: ... But Mr. Favre I really would like to keep this number, but if you ...
TB: Are you giving me lip there John Can't Get Booty? I'm The Brett gol'dammit and I won't be taking any crap from nobody especially some cockgoblin 4th-string QB, younger than the pecker tracks on Deana's favorite John Deere hat. You savvy?
JDB: Yes Mr. Favre. (strips off jersey)
TB: Hey! Mr. Noodle! Get your bald ass in here and quit raping muppets!
Coach Childress: Yes Brett?
TB: It's not Brett. It's THE BRETT ... get that through your chrome dome and get it good. Now, where's MY office at?
Coach: Uhm well, usually the players have the locker room and coaches have an office but I could see ...
TB: Now just wait a minute there Hairlip Wonder, you mean to tell me The Brett has to play for the paltry $12 million you offered and I don't my own gol'damn office? You call upstairs to Zygote or Zagnut of whatever the fuck that kraut wants to be called and telll him the Brett don't fucking work like this, Not for all the land in Mississippi. You got me there Chrome-o-mite?
Coach: Well, gee the Brett I guess you can have my office. Plus I just got these pictures from our first preseason game. You can study them and see our alignments and those of the defenses. That way you'll get up to speed faster.
TB: That would be great you pecker with sideburns but the Brett don't need no fucking pictures. The Brett's a gunslinger. Book learnin' is for fucking faggots like Elicha Manning and his brother Sir-Chokes-A-Lotta-Dick. That ain't for the Brett!
Coach: Well the Brett maybe you could just take a look at them before practice. No pressure.
TB: I like you Coach Crotchless, so I tell you what. You get the boys ready for practice an ol' Brett's gonna head to his office and cdraw ocks in the mouths of all the guys I don't like. Thanks for the pictures ... (The Brett turns to leave but stops) ...
TB: You know what when it's time for practice send that no talent waste of a fuckrag T-Jack-Shit to come down and piggy-back my ass to the field ... No use for the Brett to waste energy in the preseason!

Brad Biggs Blog Fun

For those of you who post regularly at Biggsy's blog this will make (some) sense ... For the rest ... just write it off ...

(Deep in the heart of NeckBeardSucks's mom's basement)
NBS: Gentleman, welcome to my (finger quotes) Command Center. I tried to find a hollowed out volcano but my allowance is only $10 a week.
Da Clown: Dude your mom is hot!
Crap-ton: Yeah hawt lyke creyton in a pink thonge hawt!!!
NBS: THat's kinda creepy Crap-ton, I'll just pretend I didn't hear that. Gentleman, as I have said ..
Da Clown: You know who sucks? Da Coach. That guy's such a jerk. He thinks he knows everything. Maybe he should spend more time with his kids then talking about football.
Crap-ton: Yeaa I haet him two. Wat a stoopid looser! I bett him and Creyton have gay sex all the time (pauses longingly) Do you have a bathroom down here?
NBS: Gentleman please focus. When we are done, there will be no more Creighton, no more Da Coach, and NeckbeardSucks will be known throughout the internets!!!
Da Clown: But how we gonna do that?
NBS: Two words: "pre-emptive strike". Do any of you dummies know what pre-emptive means?
Da Clown: Is that like premature ejaculation?
NBS: In your cases ... that is PRECISELY it ... You see gentleman in every thread we shall post. We shall beat Creighton and Da Coach to the punch EVERY TIME. Soon, they will have nothing to do but contradict us. And then, we shall expose THEM as trolls who follow US around. It's the perfect plan. And once we DOMINATE the Brad Biggs blog ... we will set our sights on the ENTIRE INTERNETS!!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
NBS's Mom: Pooky are you down there?
NBS: MOM!?! I told you we're busy and you didn't even use the secret password!
Mom: I'm sorry chunky monkey do your little friends want some licorice and grape soda?
NBS: Darn it mom this is supposed to be a secret meeting in our COMMAND CENTER!
(Da Clown and Crap-ton look incredulously at NBS)
Da Clown: Dude.
Crap-ton: Dood!
NBS: (sigh) Fine ... YEAH MOM WE WANT SOME LICORICE AND GRAPE SODA.
Mom: Okey dokey pooky.
NBS: MOM … IT'S COMMANDER or CAPTAIN!
Mom: Whatever you say sugar plum!
Da Clown: WHy don't we just go and kick their ass on the blog or in person! We could do that. There's like five of us to their (thinks .... shrugs) one ... point ... four........ niner?
NBS: Well there are two reasons. First, do you know how they say if you give 1000 monkeys typewriters they could eventually re-create the works of Shakespeare?
(Da Clown looks puzzled ... Crap-ton scratches butt sniffs finger)
NBS: I guess it doesn't matter. The point is we could give a retarded monkey one typewriter and 5 minutes and he'd probably make you both look foolish.
(Da Clown and Crap-ton nod heads in agreement)
NBS: And the second reason, Crap-ton with your obvious gender-confusion and Da Clown ... well how can I put this delicately Clown ... you look like something I'd draw with my left hand. We don't want you guys coming out from behind the internet. No, this is the best way.
Da Clown: But how we gonna do it? I mean Da Coach is a dumb jerkwad punk who likes to beat children and puppies but couldn't he catch on? Figure out what you're up to?
NBS: Have you ever seen the usual Suspects?
(Da Clown and Crap-ton look puzzled)
NBS: Fine! Have you ever seen He-Man?
Da Clown and Crap-ton: (in unison) Yeah, yeah we love He-Man!
NBS: Well, I'm like Adam. No one suspects me.
Da Clown and Crap-ton: (in unison, crossing boners) BY THE POWER OF GRAY SKULL!!!
NBS: Yeaaaah ... that's, that's super.
Crap-ton: Oh kae sew wat doo wee duue?
Da Clown: Yeah, what?
NBS: Well that's the easy part. Keep doing what you're doing. Keep emulating them. Crap-ton, keep writing incoherent drivel and misspell lots of words.
Crap-ton: (wipes nose on sleeve, licks sleeve) Eye cann doo thaat noe problm!!!
NBS: Excellent. And Da Clown. Keep using lots of ellipses and pepper in the word "farktard".
(Da Clown raises hand)
NBS: Yes what is it?
Da Clown: Well ... I don't know what an … an … an e-lip-tick-all is and still don't know what a farktard is.
NBS: (exhales deeply) An ELLIPSIS is 3 periods in a row DOT-DOT-DOT ... And just use the word "farktard". Like I could say "The farktard raised his farktard hand and asked a farktard question!"
Da Clown: (brightens) Oh I can definitely do that!
NBS: Then it is settled. Tomorrow we take the first step into ... HISTORY!!!
Crap-ton: Ooo thiss iz ganna bee soooooo kewl! Doe yoo thinkc, u no, once we’ve takan ovar the internets ... Due u think Creyton will bee depresssed enuff to let me pee on him?

Chicago Bears Draft: Second Guessing

With the 2009 draft in the books, I took a look back at who was available and where. First, trading back for less value once again shows why Jerry Angelo has sucked in the draft. In his defense however, there seems to be some good value picks that I even had to agree with. Below you will find the overall pick number, the player, position, school and my draft grade on my value board that ranged from A+ to UDFA (undrafted free agent).

In this version, we ignore the trade back and go with Chicago's first pick at 49 overall ... FS William Moore out of Mizzou.

Here's how it would have played out:
*49 William Moore FS Mizzou - B
99 Juaquin Iglesias WR Oklahoma - B-
119 D.J. Moore CB Vanderbilt - B
140 Marcus Freeman OLB Ohio State - B-
154 Duke Robinson OG Oklahoma - B
190 Ricky Jean-Francois DT LSU - C
246 Rashad Jennings RB Liberty - B-
251 Darry Beckwith MLB LSU - B-

In our second look, we'll pretend that trading down - and for all intents and purposes PISSING AWAY the qequivalent of a mid-4th round pick was some sort of super-genius move ...

t*68 Jarron Gilbert DT SJS - B-
99 Juaquin,Iglesias WR Oklahoma - B-
t*105 Lawrence Sidbury DE Richmond - B-
119 D.J. Moore CB Vanderbilt - B
140 Marcus Freeman OLB Ohio State - B-
154 Duke Robinson OG Oklahoma - B
190 Brandon Gibson WR Washington State - C-
246 Rashad Jennings RB Liberty - B-
251 Derek Pegues FS Mississippi State - C-

And there ya have it. I do like the pickups of Gilbert, Iglesias, Moore and Freeman as they were all very good value at their respective positions in the draft.

Mock Draft version 1.4

1 Detroit Lions 6 Stafford QB UGA
2 St. Louis Rams 3 Smith LT Baylor
3 Kansas City Chiefs 9 Sanchez QB USC
4 Seattle Seahawks 2 Crabtree WR Tex Tech
5 Cleveland Browns 1 Curry LB Wake
6 Cincinnati Bengals 5 Raji DT BC
7 Oakland Raiders 12 Maclin WR Mizzou
8 Jacksonville Jaguars 14 Maualaga MLB USC
9 Green Bay Packers 4 Monroe LT UVA
10 San Francisco 49ers 8 Orakpo DE Texas
11 Buffalo Bills 11 Oher OT Ole Miss
12 Denver Broncos 21 Jackson DE LSU
13 Washington Redskins 13 Smith OT Alabama
14 New Orleans Saints 10 Brown LB FSU
15 Houston Texans 20 Cushing LB USC
16 San Diego Chargers 19 Jerry DT Ole Miss
17 New York Jets 22 Matthews LB USC
18 Denver Broncos (from Chicago) 23 Laurinaitis MLB OSU
19 Tampa Bay Buccaneers 35 Freeman QB Kansas St
20 Detroit Lions (from Dallas) 7 Jenkins CB OSU
21 Philadelphia Eagles 15 Moreno RB UGA
22 Minnesota Vikings 32 Hood DT Mizzou
23 New England Patriots 26 Smith CB Wake
24 Atlanta Falcons 39 English DE NIU
25 Miami Dolphins 18 Davis CB Illinois
26 Baltimore Ravens 17 Harvin WR Florida
27 Indianapolis Colts 37 Britton OT Arizona
28 Philadelphia Eagles (from Carolina) 24 Bey WR Maryland
29 New York Giants 34 Beatty OT Uconn
30 Tennessee Titans 29 Mack C Cal
31 Arizona Cardinals 16 Wells RB OSU
32 Pittsburgh Steelers 43 Unger C Oregon

Mock Draft V1.3 (1st and 2nd Round)

Round 1
1 Detroit Lions 3 Smith LT Baylor
2 St. Louis Rams 4 Monroe LT UVA
3 Kansas City Chiefs 6 Stafford QB UGA
4 Seattle Seahawks 2 Crabtree WR Tex Tech
5 Cleveland Browns 1 Curry LB Wake
6 Cincinnati Bengals 5 Raji DT BC
7 Oakland Raiders 12 Maclin WR Mizzou
8 Jacksonville Jaguars 14 Maualaga MLB USC
9 Green Bay Packers 8 Orakpo DE Texas
10 San Francisco 49ers 9 Sanchez QB USC
11 Buffalo Bills 10 Brown LB FSU
12 Denver Broncos 21 Jackson DE LSU
13 Washington Redskins 11 Oher OT Ole Miss
14 New Orleans Saints 20 Cushing LB USC
15 Houston Texans 22 Matthews LB USC
16 San Diego Chargers 19 Jerry DT Ole Miss
17 New York Jets 7 Jenkins CB OSU
18 Denver Broncos (from Chicago) 23 Laurinaitis MLB OSU
19 Tampa Bay Buccaneers 17 Harvin WR Florida
20 Detroit Lions (from Dallas) 18 Davis CB Illinois
21 Philadelphia Eagles 15 Moreno RB UGA
22 Minnesota Vikings 13 Smith OT Alabama
23 New England Patriots 26 Smith CB Wake
24 Atlanta Falcons 32 Hood DT Mizzou
25 Miami Dolphins 39 English DE NIU
26 Baltimore Ravens 30 Butler CB Uconn
27 Indianapolis Colts 37 Britton OT Arizona
28 Philadelphia Eagles (from Carolina) 34 Beatty OT Uconn
29 New York Giants 16 Wells RB OSU
30 Tennessee Titans 29 Mack C Cal
31 Arizona Cardinals 28 Maybin DE Penn St
32 Pittsburgh Steelers 43 Unger C Oregon

Round 2
33 Detroit Lions 33 Ayers DE Tenn
34 New England Patriots (from KC) 24 Bey WR Maryland
35 St. Louis Rams 35 Freeman QB Kansas St
36 Cleveland Browns 31 Moore CB Vandy
37 Seattle Seahawks 45 Stintim OLB UVA
38 Cincinnati Bengals 27 Nicks WR UNC
39 Jacksonville Jaguars 47 Robinson OG Oklahoma
40 Oakland Raiders 44 Johnson DE Ga Tech
41 Green Bay Packers 25 Pettigrew TE Okla St
42 Buffalo Bills 42 Barwin DE Cincy
43 San Francisco 49ers 41 Smith CB Utah
44 Miami Dolphins (from Washington) 51 Moore FS Mizzou
45 New York Giants (from New Orleans) 55 Loadholt OT Oklahoma
46 Houston Texans 46 Delmas FS W. Mich
47 New England Patriots (from San Diego) 53 Byrd CB Oregon
48 Denver Broncos 50 Brace DT BC
49 Chicago 40 Britt WR Rutgers
50 Cleveland Browns (from Tampa Bay) 36 McCoy RB PITT
51 Dallas 49 Robiskie WR OSU
52 New York Jets 38 Brown RB Uconn
53 Philadelphia Eagles 48 Cook TE S Car
54 Minnesota Vikings 60 Marks DT Auburn
55 Atlanta Falcons 58 Chung SS Oregon
56 Miami Dolphins 54 Francies CB SJS
57 Baltimore Ravens 63 Kruger DE Utah
58 New England Patriots 65 Meredith OT S Car
59 Carolina 57 Iglesias WR Oklahoma
60 New York Giants 78 Beckwith MLB LSU
61 Indianapolis Colts 66 Moala DT USC
62 Tennessee Titans 52 Wood C Louisville
63 Arizona Cardinals 61 Greene RB Iowa
64 Pittsburgh Steelers 69 Johnson OG LSU

Mock Draft Version 2

1 Detroit Lions - Aaron Curry LB
2 St. Louis Rams - Jason Smith LT
3 Kansas City Chiefs - Brian Orakpo DE
4 Seattle Seahawks -Michael Crabtree WR
5 Cleveland Browns - Malcolm Jenkins CB
6 Cincinnati Bengals - B.J. Raji DT
7 Oakland Raiders - Jeremy Maclin WR
8 Jacksonville Jaguars - Rey Maualuga MLB
9 Green Bay Packers - Eugene Monroe OT
10 San Francisco 49ers - Matthew Stafford QB
11 Buffalo Bills - Everette Brown DE
12 Denver Broncos - Peria Jerry DT
13 Washington Redskins - Tyson Jackson DE
14 New Orleans Saints - Brian Cushing OLB
15 Houston Texans - Clay Mathews OLB
16 San Diego Chargers - Michael Oher OT
17 New York Jets - Vontae Davis CB
18 Chicago Bears - Eben Britton OT
19 Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Mark Sanchez QB
20 Detroit Lions (from Dallas) - James Laurinitis MLB
21 Philadelphia Eagles - Knowshon Moreno RB
22 Minnesota Vikings - Andre Smith OT
23 New England Patriots - Alphonso Smith CB
24 Atlanta Falcons - Evander Hood DT
25 Miami Dolphins - Darius Butler CB
26 Baltimore Ravens - D.J. Moore CB
27 Indianapolis Colts - William Beatty OT
28 Philadelphia Eagles (from Carolina) - Percy Harvin WR
29 New York Giants - Chris Wells RB
30 Tennessee Titans - Alex Mack C
31 Arizona Cardinals - Aaron Maybin DE
32 Pittsburgh Steelers - Duke Robinson OG

Mock Draft Version 1

1 Detroit Lions - Jason Smith LT
2 St. Louis Rams - Eugene Monroe LT
3 Kansas City Chiefs - Matthew Stafford QB
4 Seattle Seahawks - Michael Crabtree WR
5 Cleveland Browns - Aaron Curry LB
6 Cincinnati Bengals - B.J. Raji DT
7 Oakland Raiders - Jeremy Maclin WR
8 Jacksonville Jaguars - Rey Maualaga MLB
9 Green Bay Packers - Brian Orakpo DE
10 San Francisco 49ers - Mark Sanchez QB
11 Buffalo Bills - Everette Brown LB
12 Denver Broncos - Peria Jerry DT
13 Washington Redskins - Michael Oher OT
14 New Orleans Saints - Brian Cushing LB
15 Houston Texans - Malcolm Jenkins CB
16 San Diego Chargers - Knowshon Moreno RB
17 New York Jets - Vontae Davis CB
18 Chicago Bears - Hakeem Nicks WR
19 Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Percy Harvin WR
20 Detroit Lions (from Dallas) - Clay Matthews LB
21 Philadelphia Eagles - Chris Wells RB
22 Minnesota Vikings - Tyson Jackson DE
23 New England Patriots - James Laurinaitis MLB
24 Atlanta Falcons - Brandon Pettigrew TE
25 Miami Dolphins - Alphonso Smith CB
26 Baltimore Ravens - Darius Butler CB
27 Indianapolis Colts - Evander Hood DT
28 Philadelphia Eagles (from Carolina) - Darrius Heyward-Bey WR
29 New York Giants - Andre Smith OT
30 Tennessee Titans - Alex Mack C
31 Arizona Cardinals - Aaron Maybin DE
32 Pittsburgh Steelers - William Beatty OT

Super Bowl Sunday

Gotta like the Steelers today -6.5 according to the system (which sucked this playoff season). They have the better regular season record and some of the funniest material on Kissing Suzy Kolber when they make fun of Hines "Supel happy smirre time" Ward.

Not that Arizona is a slouch but their biggest key better be keeping Kurt Warner upright. Matt "Matty Light" Leinart sucks great big donkey cock and would shit himself in the face of that Steeler D.

If the Steelers want to take this one, that offense better get clicking and that starts with Big Ben and "Supel happy smirre time". Establish the run but if Big Ben plays like he did a couple years back, Arizona will run away with it.

Donovan McNabb: You da man!

With playoff system going FULL RETARD, I just wanted to congratulate Donovan McNabb on making it to the NFC Championship game. If there is a QB in this league who deserves it more, I don't know who it is. McNabb takes on criticism each year - some by retarded NCAAP members - and just keeps winning. He was a winner in high school, at Syracuse, and in Philly. For those of use Bear fans with our guys out of the playoffs, D-Mac keeps my rooting interest safe!

Way to go Donovan and win the Super Bowl ... I actually have money at 25-1 on Philly to win it all so there's an even better rooting interest!

Playoff System

After an auspicious 0-3 start, the playoff system adds four more plays for this weekend. It's take the home chalk week in the NFL.

2* TEN -2(130)
2* CAR -9.5
2* NYG -4
2* PIT -6

Playoff System

A very simple system I found years ago for betting during the playoffs: Always take the team with the most wins regardless if they are at home, on the road, or in a neutral setting.

So this weekend:
2* Atl +1
2* Ind pk
2* MIN +3.5(125)

Good luck ... a season recap of Chicago's 9-7 season up soon.

Cedric Benson gets no respect

The delusional head-case and former Bear Cedric "Two-yards and a cloud of BUST" Benson was recently interviewed by NFL.com about the emergence of Matt Forte. To be perfectly honest, I've been on the edge of my seat wondering what a Special-Assed has-been\never-will-be thought about Matt Forte, and I was so excited to see he favored us with his opinion I peed a little.

Said, Ced: "He is having a great year, but when I see the highlights, I see holes. I see them using him in the slot, something they didn't do with me. If I was there right now with the holes I see, I'd probably have 1,800 yards right now. I definitely would have 1,500 by now."

Now I know Ced grew up in Midland and attended the University of Texas, so that already makes him like two kinds of retarded. However, Ced, you barely have had 1,800 yards in your entire career! What makes you think that your healthy 3-yard per carry average in Cincy would make you an 1,800-yard rusher in Chicago? Were the Bears going to give you 600 carries by now?

Personally, I pray that Ced never becomes self-aware because the abrupt explosion of cognitive disonance may be enough to throw the world into a vortex of suck so powerful it will need the words "Tyler Perry Presents" tacked onto it for good measure.

Cedric, you couldn't run for 1,800 yards on a fucking tread mill. Just drift off into obscurity you no-talent ass-clown whiel counting the millions you stole from Chicago. Eat a bag of dicks.

Capper's Corner: Week 15

1* Buf +9
1* Ten -2.5
2* BAL -2(130)
1* Den +7.5
3* ARI -3(125)
2* Ne -6.5

Year-to-date:
3* 2-5
2* 13-6
1* 13-15

Capper's Corner: Week 13

1* Mia -6.5(120)
3* Ind -4.5
2* NE -1
1* HOU -3(115)

Year-to-date:
3* 2-4
2* 13-5
1* 12-14

Capper's Corner: Turkey Day

2* Ari +3.5(130) - Not sure about this spread but I do know Philly couldn't play dead.

Year-to-date:
3* 2-4
2* 13-4
1* 12-14

Capper's Corner:Week 10

2* Jax -6.5
1* Buf +3.5
2* ATL -1
1* Stl +10
2* MIN -2
1* PIT -3(125)
1* Nyg +3.5(125)
1* Bal +1

Capper's Corner Week 9

Took a week off now back to the chalk:

1* Cle -1(125)
2* Ari\STL OV 49
3* Gb +4
2* Atl -2.5(115)
1* Dal +8.5
2* Ne +7(120)
1* Pit\WAS OV 36.5

Record to date:
3* 1-4
2* 9-2
1* 10-8

Capper's Corner Week 7

No time for analysis ... so BECAUSE I SAID SO!!! :-D

2* Dal -7(120)
2* CHI -2.5(125)
Min\CHI OV 37(120)
Nos +3(120)
2* NYJ -3(115)
3* Ind -2
Den +3.5(125)

Record to date:
3* 1-3
2* 7-1
1* 9-6

Capper's Corner Week 6

1* Nos -6.5(115) - New Orleans will bounce back this week after a disappointing Monday night. If this team wants to be taken seriously, these are the games you gotta win big.

1* Cin\NYJ OV 42.5 - I know Carson Palmer is out but this game will put points on the board.

3* Chi -2.5 - Rookie QB and a struggling secondary against a stifling defense and rejuvenated air attack.

2* Phi\SF OV 41.5 - Always play the over in San Fran especially this year.

2* ARI +5 - The Cards are playing great ball right now, so an outright win may only surprise the Cowboys.

1* Gb +1 - This is not a ringing endorsement of the Pack, just how far Seattle has fallen.

ADDING: 2* Jax +3.5(115) - Just because.

Year to Date:
3* 1-2
2* 4-1
1* 7-5

Capper's Corner Week 5

1* Ind -3(120) - Time for Peyton Manning and the Colts to right the ship in Houston.
1* Atl +3.5 - Aaron Rodgers is a game-time decision but obviously he won't be at full strength. Atlanta and Michael Turner will gash that Green Bay run defense.
1* Tb\DEN OV 46.5 - Tampa Bay is living by the pass and Denver will be as well.
2* Ne\SF OV 46.5 - Neither of these teams are world beaters but they will put up points this week.
2* Cin +16 - I don't care how bad Cincy is, no team should be getting 16 points in week 5 ... well maybe the Rams.
3* NOS -2.5(125) - By the hook but New Orleans is head and shoulders better than the Viqueens.
1* Min\NOS OV 46.5 - New Orleans has an explosive offense and Minnesota will eventually have to abandon the run and air it out.

Season to Date:
3* 1-1
2* 2-1
1* 4-4

Thoughts after 3 weeks

Where is Kevin Jones? We are going to wear out Forte at this rate. He's good but damn let's not turn him into Eddie George (a great RB who finally wore down).

Matt Millen has been fired only 6 years too late. This is great news for the Lions but bad news for the Bears as the joke from up north may actually find someone competent and how hard could it be to find someone better than Jerry Angelo?

Brandon Lloyd is looking good at the top spot on the wide receiver ... the problem is who the hell is going to step up at the #2? It sure as fuck isn't Rashied Davis.

We sent Mark Bradley packing and picked up a CB? What the fuck? Hey, I thought Bradley was going to be axed before week 1 but I thought it would be for Brandon Rideau. We have no #2 or #3 so what the hell is the kid doing on our practice squad ... give him a fucking chance!

Could we please quit passing the ball to Jason McKie and get Greg Olsen and Desmond Clark more involved? Olsen had a HORRENDOUS game in Week 2 but we have to move passed that. He and Clark should be leading this team in catches because a creative offensive coordinator should be using these guys to get mismatches.

Devin Hester returns this week and not a moment too soon. I was holding my breath every time Nate Vasher was sent back to return punts. He is much too valuable a CB to expose him to punt return duties.

Speaking of What the fuck ... I'm looking at you Peanut Tillman. You are a veteran and got baited into a fight by some lackluster wide out who is lucky to be even on the field. Fucking stupid.

Kyle Orton, you are no longer allowed to check out of a run on 3rd and short. You have a battering ram of a running back in Matt Forte so just give him the damn ball!

Could Mark Anderson be any more of a one-year wonder? Actually that entire d-line needs to get their shit together. Brian Griese throws 67 times and isn't sacked ... that is just plain horrible.

Chris Williams is back to practice and is "on no time table" to get on the playing field. I'm still waiting for him to get injured during a non-contact practice ... AGAIN; great pick, Jerry.

Bob Babich, it's time to update your resume. This defense hasn't been right since that meltdown of all meltdowns against Detroit last season. It's not working, bring in a REAL defensive coordinator!

Capper's Corner: Week 4

2* Ari +1 - The Cardinals are playing good football right now and this Jets team isn't very good.

1* Ari\NYJ OVER 43.5 - Two good QB's and plenty of chances for some scoring. I like this in the 48-51 point range.

1* Gb pk(+115) - This game is a toss-up and if we're getting 115-to-100 that is a value play.

1* Buf -8 - St. Louis is just plain bad and Trent Green isn't going to change that. Buffalo in a route.

Season to Date:
3* 1-1
2* 2-0
1* 2-3

Capper's Corner Week 3

2* Cincy +14(120) - I know Cincy isn't exactly a world-beater but 14 points by the Super Bowl champs? New York has a bullseye on them every week so this is a nice value.
1* Ari +3.5(120) - I still cannot believe Washington won last week so I like Arizona in this one.
1* Car +3.5 - Carolina beats San Diego and Chicago and now is a dog to Tarvaris Jackson and the winless Vikes? I'll take Carolina especially with Steve Smith back from suspension.
1* Pit +3.5 - Everyone saw Philly on Monday night but Pittsburgh may be the class of the AFC this season.

Season to Date:
3* 1-1
2* 1-0
1* 2-0

Bear Report Week 1: Chicago 29, Indy 13

Chicago dominated the Colts on Sunday night at the new Lucas Oil Field in Indianapolis. Considering oil companies have been fucking all of us six ways to Sunday, it was nice to see Chicago extract a little payback.

Peyton Manning, fresh off two knee surgeries in which his knee became infected - possibly from gay homosexual buttsecks (that's the DCODC unofficial word) - was ineffective in his fist start since last season. Manning showed rust and had his timing and rhythm upset all night from constant pressure up the middle by Chicago.

Speaking of pressure, it was reported that during the game, Rex Grossman tried to buy some nachos but put on the spot when asked "Cheese or Salsa?" he panicked, ran backwards 15 yards, fell down and strained his MCL.

Capatain Neckbeard guided the offense well but it was rookie RB Matt Forte who stole the show. On a 3rd and 6 at midfield, Forte made a cut and then out ran defensive player of the year Bob Sanders enroute to a 51-yard TD scamper. Welcome to the NFL Matt Forte!

In a related story, Cedric Benson saw the play and exclaimed "I can do that", stepped off his bar stool, slipped on the floor, and knocked himself out. He's expected to miss his shuffleboard league for the next 4-6 weeks recovering.

All of the preseason hand-wringing - for now - seems to be much ado about nothing. The starting defensive unit looked like the 2006 Bears as they outplayed, out-muscled, and generally dominated a Colt offense generally considered one of the best in the NFL. DE Adawale Ogunleye spent so much time in the Colts's backfield, at one point Manning mistakenly called for him to run a go-route ... probably the pain killers Peyton was on.

Greg Olsen and Desmond Clark looked like the best tandem of TEs in the league making big plays when called upon. The two are favorite targets of Kyle Orton and with good reason. With an average to below average receiving corp, these guys make everyone around them better ... especially their QB!

Talking heads around the league have already dismissed this as a fluke, an Indy implosion, Peyton Manning not ready, Bigfoot, cats and dogs living together ... and blah, blah, fricking blah. HOWEVER, the douchebag of the week award goes to:

CBS Sportsline Gregg (the extra G is for GAY!) Doyel who is such a student of the NFL and often referred to as the Dali Lama of the NFL (or was that the Jay Mariotti of Doucheville, I forget) when he pronounced without a doubt:
"I'm not sure what to make of the 2008 Chicago Bears, but I'm sure of this: They're not good enough to beat the Indianapolis Colts 29-13. Not in Chicago, and definitely not in Indianapolis. Not at brand new Lucas Oil Stadium or the forsaken RCA Dome or the even skanky patch of urban blight located between the two domes."

Gee Gregg, you're right! We should petition the league to have this game stricken from the record books. Have this blight on the NFL and this injustice to humanity white-washed. Cut the fingers from our scribes and cut the tongues out of our orators so such a game shall NEVER be remembered ... or we could just call it an Indy beat-down at the hands of a Chicago team that may be better than everyone expected and move on. But of course, you can't be the new Mariotti without whipping on the Bears, right Gregg?

Capper's Corner: Week 2

Hit my only pick last week when the Giants covered over the Skins. This week, here's a look at the early lines and what I'm feeling:

3* Nos pk at WAS: Easiest play on the board with New Orleans loaded offensively against the anemic Skins' attack.

2* Ind pk at Min: Don't let the Bear game fool you, Indy is a great value on this play. I picked Minnesota as a pretender this season and will be playing against them any time it offers value.

1* Bal +4.5 at HOU: Gotta love the doggies, and Baltimore looks like an improved team even with their young QB.

1* DEN +2 vs Sdg: Yeah, Denver did beat up on the Crypt Keeper's train wreck of a team, but Denver in Mile High is ALWAYS tough to beat. I'll take the home doggy.

1* Phi +7.5(120) at DAL: I would buy the extra half point based on historical data that says to buy it when you're getting a half point. Aside from that, are we really to believe this is not an improved Philly team with a healthy McNabb? A lot of questions should be answered by both teams in this game.

Season to Date:
3* 1-0
2* 0-0
1* 0-0

Schadenfreude dilemma: NFL Week 1

Do I root for the Viqueens to beat Green Bay and wait for the inevitable landslide of pissed off fat people from Wisconsin clamoring for Favre ...

OR do I root for the Cheese Dicks and laugh at all the ignorant douchebags who called the Purple Queens a contender this season?

What do you guys think?

The Man's 8th Annual Contenders, Pretenders and Dark Horses

No time for breakdowns or recap of 2006 (since I skipped 2007) ... Just know that you lay $20 on the contenders and dark horses. You may also want to bet them against the spread. The pretenders, play against them. I will try and update later with the thinking behind each and the record from previous years.
NOTE: Odds shown are to WIN the Super Bowl.

Contenders
4. Jacksonville 14-1
3. Dallas 6-1
2. San Diego 7-1
1. New England 5-1

Pretenders
4. Cleveland 20-1
3. Tennessee 40-1
2. Seattle 25-1
1. Minnesota 14-1

Dark Horses
4. Tampa Bay 40-1
3. New York Jets 40-1
2. Cincy 50-1
1. Philly 25-1

Good luck this NFL season!

Capper's Corner

Gotta like a 3* play on New York tonight -3.5(ev).

NOTE: Star rating is unit rating. For those who've never heard of WYD Sports or my articles for TMW or RedEye Sports, just take it as an informed opinion ... but don't look for too many. ALSO, I rarely go above a 3-unit play. Those are usually the strongest aside from a 5* about once or twice per season and the very rare 4*.