Where do we go from here?

I hate to break the news to everyone but Chicago isn't making the playoffs this year. The team has more problems than solutions so now the unenviable task of cleaning up his own clusterfuck falls on the shoulders of Jerry Angelo. I of course want wholesale changes including the firing of Ted Phillips, Jerry Angelo, and Greg Gabriel. However, since that's not exactly a plan I guess I need to offer something up or quit my bitching.

This year:
1. Put Pace on the bench and get Chris Williams at LT. Williams is not a RT and will never be one. He was drafted to play LT and Pace is done. If Williams cannot do the job it's better to know that now and - if he sucks - see what we have in Omiyale because he's sure as shit not a guard.
2. Put Shaffer in at RT for evaluation. If he sucks, Lance Louis can use the reps. If they both suck then put Pace in. If all 3 suck then we know where we need to focus next FA period and draft.
3. Move Hester to the slot and let Knox and Bennett play. Knox has game-changing ability and keeping him off the field is galactically stupid. Bennett needs to be more consistent and show more to make it on the field next season.
4. Either put Manning at FS and leave him there or put him at Nickel and leave him there. Pick a fucking spot.
5. Put Briggs in the middle. A WLB's best attribute is usually his ability to get sideline to sideline and blitz the QB. Briggs can do the former, but sucks at the latter. Jamar Williams is a playmaker and could bring your best 2 LB's on the field.
6. Give Tim Shaw a shot at the revolving door at SLB. We're in evaluation period from here on out so why not give the kid a shot, he's hungry and has a nose for the ball.

Offseason
1. Cut Pace - he's old and done
2. Install Beekman as the starting center. Give Kreutz the option to stay on or be traded. Kreutz has deteriorated greatly over the last 2 years and is no longer needed as the offense's vocal leader now that Chicago has their franchise QB.
3. Make a decision on LT. Let Williams and Omiyale battle it out for the position.
4. Cut Craig Steltz. On a scheme that needs a pass defensing free safety, Chicago has a log-jam of run-stopping strong safeties.
5. End the Garret Wolfe experiment. I don't care what he does on ST he's just not good. That was a huge reach and waste of a 3rd-round pick.
6. If Urlacher is back and the rest did him good move him back to the middle and Briggs to WLB. This will put Williams back to the bench but we need to hold onto him. If Urlacher is in decline like he has been, then give him the option to stay on as backup or trade him.

7. Move Hester to slot permanently and get him back to returning kickoffs and punts. You have the most dangerous weapon football so USE HIM AT WHAT HE DOES BEST YOU ASSCLOWNS!

8. Trade Tommie Harris. I don't care if once traded he wins NFL Defensive Player of the Year. Allow me to paraphrase Mike Singletary in saying with Tommie you can't count on him, you can't play with him, you can't win with him.

9. Fire Ron Turner and find a competent (read experienced) offensive coordinator who can build his playbook around the franchise QB.

10. Fire Rod Marinelli. I keep hearing about how our guys are out of their gaps and that's why we're getting our asses handed to us on a weekly basis. Marinelli was brought in to fix the d-line and so far it looks like he's doing as good of job with it as he did with the Lions. Last year the d-line compiled 23.5 sacks. This year they are projected to get 24.6 sacks. Wow, that's some terrific turnaround there!
11. Waive bye-bye to Mark Anderson and Ogunleye. Don't get in a bidding war just let them go and take the compensatory pick(s) if they do anything next season.



Free Agents and Draft
When you talk about FA signings and the draft you need to have a fluid plan that can adjust accordingly based upon circumstances (e.g. bidding wars, susprise cuts, etc.). Here are the places Chicago needs to upgrade without delay:



1. Chicago NEEDS a veteran WR. When you look at the roster and it consists of a 2 converted DB's, a 2nd-year man who didn't get on the field his rookie year, and a rookie ... Well it's not very much of a stretch to realize Chicago is in dire need of a veteran WR to help Cutler. I would like to see Chicago make a play for one of these 4 guys:

A. Brandon Marshall of the Donkeys - The disgruntled WR wants out of Denver and maybe Chicago could get a nice "hometown discount" for reuniting him and Cutler - the guy who helped get him to those Pro Bowls.

B. Vincent Jackson of the Bolts - Big, fast, and smart. The guy is a nightmare to opposing defenses and would give Cutler a big, sure-handed target. Cutler is a fan of big receivers, let's get him what he needs.

C. Steve Breaston or Anquan Boldin of the Cardinals - Breaston is headed to free agency and the Cardinals will want to lock him up or send him packing. With the shenangians of Boldin this would prove a ripe time to pluck Breaston with a high offer or pluck Boldin if Arizona is committing to Breaston.



2. The Bears are also in need of a formidable free safety who can cover. Since Mike Brown, no one has come close to filling those shoes. I'd like to land one of these three guys:

A. Nick Collins of the Packers - Collins would have the benefit of knowing his opposition quite well and we get the added bonus of screwing the Packers which always makes me smile.

B. Will Allen of the Bucs - Hey if we're going to be Tampa North, at least let's get one of their actual good players. If we can waste a fucking 2nd-round pick on Gaines Adams we could find a nice contract for Will Allen.

C. Josh Barrett of the Donkeys - Barrett fared well his rookie season after being called up from the practice squad due to injuries. Barrett (for those who remember admonishing Angelo for no getting him 2 drafts ago) is the prototype of a cover-2 free safety. This year, with the regime change, Barrett is struggling to get in at the Nickel position. A 2011 6th or 7th-round pick could entice a trade.



3. Find a pass rusher. This team needs someone who can rush the passer. I love Alex Brown but he's a solid, all-around player. We need someone to put opposite of him that can be a disruptive force on opposing QB's. Ogunleye and Anderson will both be gone so it's either promote from within or take a look at these 3 guys:

A. Aaron Kampman of the Cheesedicks - Kampman finds himself in a new 3-4 scheme and his 2.5 sacks this season will not be sending him back to Honolulu. Kampman is a natural fit in a 4-3 and would a great rush end for Chciago. Also, with the down year he's coming off, he could be had at a reasonable contract price one would hope.

B. Julius Peppers of the Panthers - At 29 he's still performing at a high level. You have to admit the freak is a presence on pass rushing situations. Rotating him with Izzy to spell the guy would be a great idea as well.
C. Elvis Dumervil of the Donkeys - Has proven to be a force in both 4-3 and 3-4 defenses. He'll command big bucks but he's worth every penny.


4. Upgrade the offensive line. An offensive lineman can be found in the later rounds but here are 3 guys up for free agency that could help immediately. I would like to see Chicago land one of these three:
A. RT Winston Justice of the Iggles - Watched him at USC and he's as solid as they come at the right tackle position.
B. LG Logan Mankins of the 18-1's - Agile and can both run and pass block. Mankins would be an intant upgrade for Cutler's blind side.
C. RG Jahri Evans of the Saints - Evans will more than likely get a long-term deal so it's a bit of a reach. But the guy is a beast.

With these free agent targets we turn toward the draft. I believe that realistically you can find at least 2 free agents on the list of 17. From there the draft has to be to plug the places that you missed. I always feel that o-lineman can be found in the later rounds and luckily we at least have some high 3rd-5th round picks. If Chicago ignores all of the FA's please let them address the veteran WR. We cannot have inexperienced guys like this and a lack of a #1 or even #2 when we finally have a franchise QB. I guess we will see what happens in the coming months but I am not going to hold my breath. Will you?

Sunday Night Football = Monday Morning Hangover

Let's be honest folks. If you're like me you are jacked for Sunday Night football tonight. You woke up pissed that there was no noon kickoff. If you live in the midwest you get to wacth such thrilling games as Jets vs. Pats and the Browns vs. Lions. Fuck me with a rail road spike!

But it's now 4:20pm and I'm popping the first Miller Lite of the day. Well the 3rd because I took my son, my dad, and my best friend to lunch, but you get the point. Anyway, it's time to start the tailgate and gag through this shit-fest that is the AFC East that no one gives a fuck about except for Massholes and fucktards from New York!

So now we have to wait patiently through the current suck-fest and grin and bear it. Sure if I played fantasy football still this game may have some semblance of ineterest but I highly fucking doubt it. Fuck the Pats and their douche fans right in their big fucking CHOWDAH holes. And fuck New York.

Now let's get drunk and yell at the tv shall we!?!?

Stop ... Homer Time!

Just looked over this weeks matchups this week and 5dimes Sportsbook has Chicago at -1(115). For those of you who don't know what that means, it means fricking GAME OF THE YEAR. I'm taking out a second mortgage to play this. You think Seneca Wallace is going to be able to NOT fuck himself in this game? They're missing their left tackle and probably Walter Jones as well and you got a Bear team off a win over the Super Bowl Champs. Cutler is starting to spread the ball, wide receivers and tight ends alike are stepping up, and the damn defense is rallying without Brian Urlacher. On top of that Seattle's lone win this season came over the hapless Rams when they were fully healthy.

Of all the games on the board, I would put down Cedric Benson's stash (or the street value equivalent) on the Bears this week.

Neckbeard calls Cuntler

NB: Jay? What's going on you fuck suck! It's me, Capt. fucking comeback neckbeard motherfucker!!!
JC: Hey Kyle (sulking) ... Stuff sucks. You see the game?
NB: Oh did I? I kept rubbig my taint on the fucking tv! I used to ass-rape those packer fags, guess you don't have the gun I got. Did you see my td to win it?
JC: Yeah that was really good. Stokley really is a good receiver.
NB: Stokley!? Are you shiatting me? That was capt. neckbeard ... I fucking threw that 25 yard bomb man, I've never seen a pass so pretty! Fucking just like I drew it up ... Let it hang in the air for a good 25-30 seconds and get tipped to the white guy. FUCKING BRILLIANT!!!
JC: Well good call Kyle. Way to go. (cuts himself)
NB: You're damn right. That's the way I roll ... The neckbeard knows how the fuck to win a game. Lull them to sleep with the 5 yared passes and then BOOOMMMM MOTHERFUCKERS here's a 25 yarder! You didn't expect that did ya biatches!!! I can float it like a fucking A & W!!! Ain't nobody but my receivers are expecting the 25 yard hot air balloon!!! (swigs half a bottle of Jack, tongue kisses solid 5 of 10 scale skank)
JC: (takes big scoop of Ben and Jerry's Hubby Hubby)
NB: So ... you're just gonna sit there and eat ice cream and sulk aren't ya?
JC: (swallows hard) no.
NB: Bullshit. C'mon Jay you gotta get with the Neckbeard philosophy. You know what that is?
JC: Um ... drink lots of Jack Daniels and fuck nothing but skanks?
NB: SEE! YOU SEE MOTHERFUCKER!! You WERE listening! Buck up sulker and put down the Ben and Jerry's. Go out fuck a skank. Drink some jack and remember ...
JC: Yeah, yeah I know. Rex Grossman's a cock fuck.
NB: HAHA, you're my boy Jay (chugs rest of Jack, flashes cock to three-toothed 40-year old at end of bar) Talk to ya next week sulk boy!!

Who ya got on Gameday? - Part 3

With the signing of Rod Hood and some waffling due to Hunter Hillenmeyer, here is my latest stab at the final 53. Notice, Garret Wolfe is gone replaced by Rashied Davis and Hillenmeyer replaces Kevin Malast:

Offense - 25

Quarterbacks(2)
J. Cutler
C. Hanie

Running Backs(3)
M. Forte
K. Jones
A. Peterson

Fullbacks(1)
J. McKie

Wide Receivers(7)
D. Hester (returner)
E. Bennett
Iglesias
Knox
Aromashodu
Rideau
R. Davis

Tight Ends(3)
G. Olsen
D. Clark
K. Davis

Tackles(4)
C. Williams
O. Pace
Shaffer
Balogh

Guards(4)
R. Garza
J. Beekman (can play center)
Omiyale (can play tackle)
Buening

Center(1)
O. Kreutz

Defense - 25

Defensive Ends(5)
A. Ogunleye
A. Brown
M. Anderson
I. Idonije (can play DT)
Melton

Defensive Tackles(4)
T. Harris
A. Adams
J. Gilbert
M. Harrison

Linebackers(7)
B. Urlacher
L. Briggs
P. Tinoisanamo
J. Williams
N. Roach
D. McClover
H. Hillenmeyer

Cornerbacks(5)
C. Tillman
N. Vasher
Z. Bowman
C. Graham (can play safety)
R. Hood

Safeties(4)
C. Steltz
K. Payne
A. Alfalava
D. Manning (can play nickel)

Special Teams - 3

Long Snapper(1)
P. Mannelly

Kicker(1)
R. Gould

Punter(1)
B. Maynard

Who ya got on Gameday? - Part 2

With the 3rd preseason game over with, here is what I project Chicago to do heading into their first game against the Cheesedicks on September 13th:

Offense - 25

Quarterbacks(2)
J. Cutler
C. Hanie

Running Backs(4)
M. Forte
K. Jones
A. Peterson
G. Wolfe

Fullbacks(1)
J. McKie

Wide Receivers(6)
D. Hester (returner)
E. Bennett
Iglesias
Knox
Aromashodu
Rideau

Tight Ends(3)
G. Olsen
D. Clark
K. Davis

Tackles(4)
C. Williams
O. Pace
Shaffer
Balogh

Guards(4)
R. Garza
J. Beekman (can play center)
Omiyale (can play tackle)
Buening

Center(1)
O. Kreutz

Defense - 25

Defensive Ends(5)
A. Ogunleye
A. Brown
M. Anderson
I. Idonije (can play DT)
Melton

Defensive Tackles(4)
T. Harris
A. Adams
J. Gilbert
M. Harrison

Linebackers(7)
B. Urlacher
L. Briggs
P. Tinoisanamo
J. Williams
N. Roach
Malast
D. McClover

Cornerbacks(5)
C. Tillman
N. Vasher
T. McBride
Z. Bowman
C. Graham (can play safety)

Safeties(4)
C. Steltz
K. Payne
A. Alfalava
D. Manning (can play nickel)

Special Teams - 3

Long Snapper(1)
P. Mannelly

Kicker(1)
R. Gould

Punter(1)
B. Maynard

Mike Mulligan wants to give Rashied Davis medal for trying, roster spot

If you can read this love-fest\man-crush that Mully has for Rashied Davis click here otherwise I'll give you the gist.

All Rashied Davis has needed is an opportunity. You suspect if the Bears just give him one now, a legitimate chance to make the roster, they'll be delighted with the results.
Yes, that's exactly what they need. A 30-year old wide receiver coming off a season where he put up career numbers and was still the weakest link in a receiving corp that was god-awful.

You remember Davis. He's the cornerback-turned-receiver who helped the Bears get to the Super Bowl, catching a game-winning touchdown against the Minnesota Vikings in Week 3 of the 2006 season and making a clutch third-down conversion to set up Robbie Gould's game-winning field goal in overtime against the Seattle Seahawks in the playoffs.
Yeah, and I remember Rex Grossman was the guy that made those throws ... where's he nowadays?

He's the guy who didn't play high school football but wound up using a junior-college stop to earn his way to San Jose State. He's the guy who put in four bloody years with the San Jose SaberCats of the Arena Football League to get a shot with the Bears. He's the guy who took a leave of absence from a job at Best Buy so he'd have employment to fall back on when he first joined the Bears in 2005.
I hear Best Buy is hiring!

Davis also is the guy with the most experience among Bears receivers -- yet he isn't one of the seven who has caught a pass from Jay Cutler this preseason.
74 catches in 4 seasons, how will the Bears EVAR replace that?!?

The greatest NFL fairy tale remains the inspirational story of Kurt Warner going from stock boy at the Hy-Vee grocery store to Super Bowl MVP.
I thought it was when Warner drew a picture of Jesus ...

But Davis has a unique history, too. He is a 5-9, 187-pound former bouncer who proved tough enough to control rowdy crowds while subsidizing his time as an Arena Football player.
Which is great if Capt. Neckbeard was still stumbling around with his bottle of Jack but Rashied's services are no longer needed.

All of which makes his lack of playing time this preseason difficult to figure.
If you're a mouth-breathing fucktard like Mully.

Will this be the week he gets a chance to play with Cutler and thereby an opportunity to keep his job?
Will this be the week that Mully finds his first clue? Will Hanley beat him with a tac hammer after he reads this?

''Would I like more reps? Yes, I would. That's all I have to say,'' Davis said, begrudgingly completing an interview after the Bears' 17-3 victory over the New York Giants on Saturday.
Like my dad says, "shit in one hand and wish in the other and see which gets filled the fastest." Actually this may be the most apt metaphor for what I think of Rashied Davis's hands.

Davis caught one pass from backup quarterback Caleb Hanie in the Giants game after catching two the week before at Buffalo. It's not the production he would have hoped for, but typically he made the best of his opportunity by standing out on special teams.
So a 30-year old, 74 catch receiver who can "stand out" on special teams. I mean, that is a rare fucking quality! Jesus, why haven't we signed this guy to Elicha Manning fucking money?!?

Still, it has to be unsettling to Davis that he's being judged on previous work instead of being given a chance to build a chemistry with Cutler, especially considering the Bears are in a numbers crunch at receiver.
Yes, because judging him on his previous work to get to the NFL should outweigh his shitty 4 seasons with the Bears. Mully should be a fucking AIG fund manager ... Hey this guy worked really hard to get here but he totally sucks HOWEVER the government just gave us a bunch of free money so let's see what he can do with it and completely ignore his previous body of work!

Tall receivers Brandon Rideau and Devin Aromashodu have been Cutler's favorite targets during spots in training camp. Aromashodu made a spectacular diving catch Saturday to set up a touchdown pass to Desmond Clark. That will help him a ton, but it also begs the question of whether Davis, Rideau, Iglesias or Knox would have made the same play if given the chance.
Who knows? You know what you answered your own fucking question. Cutler likes tall receivers. Davis is short. It's so unfair!!!

Davis hasn't lost repetitions only to the taller guys. In some formations in practice, Hester and tight end Greg Olsen have been split wide with Bennett in the slot -- a natural position for Davis.
Yeah because God knows that putting Bennett in the slot while creating mismatches outside is a fucking crime against football. Jesus, a sportswriter\talk-jock cannot be that fucking dumb ... oh wait HE FUCKING IS!

All he needs is a chance, and frankly, he deserves one.
Clearly based upon your article that told us: he's not been very good in the past, the franchise QB likes tall receivers, and Davis hasn't done much even against 2's and 3's in the preseason. If that's not cause for "DESERVING" a chance I don't know what is.

Can someone cockpunch this idiot the next time he does a remote? Anyone? Please?

Who ya got on Game Day? - Part 1

On July 8th I sent myself an e-mail with my projected roster for opening day. With preseason winding down, I am ready to take another stab at it and will in part 2 of what I call "Who ya got on Game Day?" Back on the 8th, this is how I felt Chicago would shake out and go into Cheeseland for their Sunday night throwdown. After Saturday's game, expect Part 2 where I'll have my revised edition, but until then:

Offense - 26
Quarterbacks(3)
J. Cutler
C. Hanie
B. Basanez

Running Backs(3)
M. Forte
K. Jones
G. Wolfe

Fullbacks(1)
W. Ta'ufo'ou

Wide Receivers(6)
D. Hester (returner)
E. Bennett
Iglesias
Knox
Rideau
Davis

Tight Ends(4)
G. Olsen
D. Clark
K. Davis
M. Gaines

Tackles(4)
C. Williams
O. Pace
Shaffer
Balogh

Guards(4)
R. Garza
J. Beekman (can play center)
Omiyale (can play tackle)
Buening

Center(1)
O. Kreutz

Defense - 24
Defensive Ends(5)
A. Ogunleye
A. Brown
M. Anderson
I. Idonije (can play DT)
Melton

Defensive Tackles(4)
T. Harris
A. Adams
J. Gilbert
M. Harrison

Linebackers(6)
B. Urlacher
L. Briggs
P. Tinoisanamo
J. Williams
Freeman

Cornerbacks(5)
C. Tillman
N. Vasher
T. McBride
Bowman
Moore

Safeties(4)
C. Steltz
K. Payne
C. Graham (can play corner)
D. Manning (can play corner, returner)

Special Teams - 3
Long Snapper(1)
P. Mannelly

Kicker(1)
R. Gould

Punter(1)
B. Maynard

Jerry Angelo Unplugged with Larry Mayer

Jerry Angelo sits down with Larry Mayer (read it here) in a hard-hitting interview for ChicagoBears.com. Since this is all company line BS let's just throw aside Jerry's answers and give the real ones:

A lot has been written and said about the Bears’ No. 1 offense being out of sync in the preseason opener in Buffalo. What were your impressions of how the unit performed and how concerned are you moving forward?
Well first we have a pussy as our franchise QB. Seems like kinda stupid to me that I went out and got a guy I thought was a future hall of famer and he's a pussy. I mean, Brian Urlacher has stared down the abyss known as the Paris Hilton gash so if anyone has the right to call another man a pussy, it's Url. Second, we have a guy I just paid to be our #1 wide receiver playing like a retarded monkey, fucking a retarded football thrown by a fucking pussy. So yeah, I have some cause for concern but thanks for asking Larry, you cock.

What would you like to see from the first-team offense Saturday night against the Giants?
I'll be happy if they don't just shiat themselves and curl up into fetal positions. Really, right now I think the Terry Shea fiasco may end up looking like the golden era of Bear offense. Seriously, against the Giants? How about we see our offensive line sustain a block for longer than a gnat's dick and maybe our two overpaid, overhyped players actually do their jobs. If not, can I at least implore Olin Kreutz to punch out Ron Turner.

Did you have any problem with what Jay Cutler said about Devin Hester being "more of a go-get-it guy" and "not really a back-shoulder or jump up-and-get-it [guy]" after throwing an interception in Buffalo?
Do you actually come up with these questions on the spot or do you pre-pull them out of your ass? Really Mayer I see why you're such a snivelling little suck cunt. You have all the journalistic instincts of a comatose Dr. Z. I swear my dog farts more fucking coherent sounds than you make out of your gurgling fucking pie hole!

How would you assess how the defense performed against the Bills; what impressed you and where would you like to see improvement?
Are you shiatting me? Hell the only push I saw out of the defensive line all night was when they raided the snack bar after the game. Jesus tap dancing christ on a cracker we should have installed a fucking wading pool at the line of scrimmage for all the good those cock holes did. I guess what impresses me the most is Izzy adds weight last year and they use him oustide. This year he drops weight - like they ask - and they play him inside. What continually impresses me is I give these assholes great athletes like Izzy, Daneial, Devin etc. and they can't fucking screw them up fast enough. That's really fucking impressive to me! On top of that Lovie tells me we need Rod Marinelli to coach the d-line. Yeah, "oh-for-sixteen" Marinelli. I think this year our d-line may be the first team in history to actually record POSITIVE yards on sacks. Like: "hey that QB only picked up 4 yards on the scramble and that beats the hell out of the 7-10 yard slants he's been throwing all fucking day, so we'll count that as 1 sack for +4 yards." That kinda shit is what I'm expecting.

What are your thoughts on Brett Favre signing with the Minnesota Vikings?
Wow Larry do you really write these questions yourself or do you just copy off every other twat-waffle journalist in America? You know what I think about "The Brett", I think that attention-whoring, wrangler-wearing, country fucktard would do anything for fame. Hell, he'd bareback Ryan Seacrest on stage at American Idol just to get in the spotlight. Which is probably his backup plan for when his arm falls off and he's run out of Minnesota. That's what I think. Do you have any thoughts larry ... crickets? ... That's kinda what I thought. Go frame your fucking journalism GED and get me a coffee.

Pete Prisco doh'not like The Brett

I don't know what the world is coming to but this week I actually agreed with a Pete Prisco article basically saying that The Brett is an egomaniac trying to extend his glory days at the expense of his own legacy. Apparently Prisco got the by-line but the 10,000 monkeys writing the article should get full credit. Full article here.

"What do a nasty pimple, a pesky cockroach and Brett Favre all have in common?"
You've fellated two of the three and all you have to show for it is a nasty pimple?

"Favre? Nothing will keep him away. His ego is too great. When his body says no, and his game screams "Hell no!" he plays on."
Well "plays" isn't really an accurate word. More like chucks interceptions like escort service flyers on the Vegas Strip.

"Most of the national media will fawn over Favre's decision Tuesday to sign with the Minnesota Vikings, but I don't think it's a good move."
Giving 40-yo attention-whore $12 million when he's clearly well passed his prime, coming off shoulder surgery and an embarassing season is not a smart move? Do tell Pete!

"I keep hearing how Tarvaris Jackson and Sage Rosenfels -- the two quarterbacks who were competing to be the starter until Favre so rudely interrupted training camp -- aren't in his class.
Well, Brett Favre isn't Brett Favre."
He's actually Barack Obama and until you show me his birth certificate I'm not budging on this one.

"Was every Favre fan and Favre-fawning writer blind drunk last season? Did they see the same quarterback I saw?"
Well, to be fair they WERE watching the Jets so I think that's a given.

"When Favre announced last month that he planned to stay retired, he said, "I didn't feel like physically I could play at a level that was acceptable."
Something changed in three weeks.
Training camp ended."
Ding-ding-ding-ding, looks like Pete found the CLUE TRAIN!

"Favre has never been a fan of offseason work and training camp. He likes staying on the tractor in Mississippi as long as he possibly can. That's why when he said he was staying retired last month, we all shook our heads and said the same thing.
Yeah, right. Why don't you think he was linked to a network for television work?"
Well besides the obvious? I mean, have you heard the guy speak? He makes Magic Johnson look downright lucid.

"He loves the spotlight and some players who have played with him in the past say his wife loves it even more. She's just Mrs. Favre, they say, when baling hay in the Wrangler jeans, but she's Brett Favre's wife when he plays."
Real. Comfortable. Attention-whores.

"There will be many who will say the Vikings are now the team to beat."
And many will say Da Church of Da Coach has the biggest schlong in 4 states but writing it on the internets doesn't automatically make it true (but it's damn fine rumor!)

"If the arm was such an issue, why didn't he sit down? If that's the excuse now, and we've heard it from the many in the media who drool at the site of his name on the back of a jersey, any jersey, didn't he do his team a disservice by playing through it?
If it's an excuse now, it was selfish then."
Well Pete how dare you!? That's just Brett being Brett. You know, playing through pain, tossing pick-6's like you toss butt darts at Clark Judge. You know how it is!

The Brett Arrives in Minnesota

(Inside Minnesota locker room present day, Favre walks in)
The Brett: Hey you beagle-fucker?
John David Booty: Um ... me?
TB: Yeah you douche-rific! Get over here!
JDB: Yes Mr. Favre.
TB: You better take off that #4 fucking jersey or I'll be all over you like gay on Brady Quinn. You got me you talentless Leinart cock taster?
JDB: ... But Mr. Favre I really would like to keep this number, but if you ...
TB: Are you giving me lip there John Can't Get Booty? I'm The Brett gol'dammit and I won't be taking any crap from nobody especially some cockgoblin 4th-string QB, younger than the pecker tracks on Deana's favorite John Deere hat. You savvy?
JDB: Yes Mr. Favre. (strips off jersey)
TB: Hey! Mr. Noodle! Get your bald ass in here and quit raping muppets!
Coach Childress: Yes Brett?
TB: It's not Brett. It's THE BRETT ... get that through your chrome dome and get it good. Now, where's MY office at?
Coach: Uhm well, usually the players have the locker room and coaches have an office but I could see ...
TB: Now just wait a minute there Hairlip Wonder, you mean to tell me The Brett has to play for the paltry $12 million you offered and I don't my own gol'damn office? You call upstairs to Zygote or Zagnut of whatever the fuck that kraut wants to be called and telll him the Brett don't fucking work like this, Not for all the land in Mississippi. You got me there Chrome-o-mite?
Coach: Well, gee the Brett I guess you can have my office. Plus I just got these pictures from our first preseason game. You can study them and see our alignments and those of the defenses. That way you'll get up to speed faster.
TB: That would be great you pecker with sideburns but the Brett don't need no fucking pictures. The Brett's a gunslinger. Book learnin' is for fucking faggots like Elicha Manning and his brother Sir-Chokes-A-Lotta-Dick. That ain't for the Brett!
Coach: Well the Brett maybe you could just take a look at them before practice. No pressure.
TB: I like you Coach Crotchless, so I tell you what. You get the boys ready for practice an ol' Brett's gonna head to his office and cdraw ocks in the mouths of all the guys I don't like. Thanks for the pictures ... (The Brett turns to leave but stops) ...
TB: You know what when it's time for practice send that no talent waste of a fuckrag T-Jack-Shit to come down and piggy-back my ass to the field ... No use for the Brett to waste energy in the preseason!

Brad Biggs Blog Fun

For those of you who post regularly at Biggsy's blog this will make (some) sense ... For the rest ... just write it off ...

(Deep in the heart of NeckBeardSucks's mom's basement)
NBS: Gentleman, welcome to my (finger quotes) Command Center. I tried to find a hollowed out volcano but my allowance is only $10 a week.
Da Clown: Dude your mom is hot!
Crap-ton: Yeah hawt lyke creyton in a pink thonge hawt!!!
NBS: THat's kinda creepy Crap-ton, I'll just pretend I didn't hear that. Gentleman, as I have said ..
Da Clown: You know who sucks? Da Coach. That guy's such a jerk. He thinks he knows everything. Maybe he should spend more time with his kids then talking about football.
Crap-ton: Yeaa I haet him two. Wat a stoopid looser! I bett him and Creyton have gay sex all the time (pauses longingly) Do you have a bathroom down here?
NBS: Gentleman please focus. When we are done, there will be no more Creighton, no more Da Coach, and NeckbeardSucks will be known throughout the internets!!!
Da Clown: But how we gonna do that?
NBS: Two words: "pre-emptive strike". Do any of you dummies know what pre-emptive means?
Da Clown: Is that like premature ejaculation?
NBS: In your cases ... that is PRECISELY it ... You see gentleman in every thread we shall post. We shall beat Creighton and Da Coach to the punch EVERY TIME. Soon, they will have nothing to do but contradict us. And then, we shall expose THEM as trolls who follow US around. It's the perfect plan. And once we DOMINATE the Brad Biggs blog ... we will set our sights on the ENTIRE INTERNETS!!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
NBS's Mom: Pooky are you down there?
NBS: MOM!?! I told you we're busy and you didn't even use the secret password!
Mom: I'm sorry chunky monkey do your little friends want some licorice and grape soda?
NBS: Darn it mom this is supposed to be a secret meeting in our COMMAND CENTER!
(Da Clown and Crap-ton look incredulously at NBS)
Da Clown: Dude.
Crap-ton: Dood!
NBS: (sigh) Fine ... YEAH MOM WE WANT SOME LICORICE AND GRAPE SODA.
Mom: Okey dokey pooky.
NBS: MOM … IT'S COMMANDER or CAPTAIN!
Mom: Whatever you say sugar plum!
Da Clown: WHy don't we just go and kick their ass on the blog or in person! We could do that. There's like five of us to their (thinks .... shrugs) one ... point ... four........ niner?
NBS: Well there are two reasons. First, do you know how they say if you give 1000 monkeys typewriters they could eventually re-create the works of Shakespeare?
(Da Clown looks puzzled ... Crap-ton scratches butt sniffs finger)
NBS: I guess it doesn't matter. The point is we could give a retarded monkey one typewriter and 5 minutes and he'd probably make you both look foolish.
(Da Clown and Crap-ton nod heads in agreement)
NBS: And the second reason, Crap-ton with your obvious gender-confusion and Da Clown ... well how can I put this delicately Clown ... you look like something I'd draw with my left hand. We don't want you guys coming out from behind the internet. No, this is the best way.
Da Clown: But how we gonna do it? I mean Da Coach is a dumb jerkwad punk who likes to beat children and puppies but couldn't he catch on? Figure out what you're up to?
NBS: Have you ever seen the usual Suspects?
(Da Clown and Crap-ton look puzzled)
NBS: Fine! Have you ever seen He-Man?
Da Clown and Crap-ton: (in unison) Yeah, yeah we love He-Man!
NBS: Well, I'm like Adam. No one suspects me.
Da Clown and Crap-ton: (in unison, crossing boners) BY THE POWER OF GRAY SKULL!!!
NBS: Yeaaaah ... that's, that's super.
Crap-ton: Oh kae sew wat doo wee duue?
Da Clown: Yeah, what?
NBS: Well that's the easy part. Keep doing what you're doing. Keep emulating them. Crap-ton, keep writing incoherent drivel and misspell lots of words.
Crap-ton: (wipes nose on sleeve, licks sleeve) Eye cann doo thaat noe problm!!!
NBS: Excellent. And Da Clown. Keep using lots of ellipses and pepper in the word "farktard".
(Da Clown raises hand)
NBS: Yes what is it?
Da Clown: Well ... I don't know what an … an … an e-lip-tick-all is and still don't know what a farktard is.
NBS: (exhales deeply) An ELLIPSIS is 3 periods in a row DOT-DOT-DOT ... And just use the word "farktard". Like I could say "The farktard raised his farktard hand and asked a farktard question!"
Da Clown: (brightens) Oh I can definitely do that!
NBS: Then it is settled. Tomorrow we take the first step into ... HISTORY!!!
Crap-ton: Ooo thiss iz ganna bee soooooo kewl! Doe yoo thinkc, u no, once we’ve takan ovar the internets ... Due u think Creyton will bee depresssed enuff to let me pee on him?

Chicago Bears Draft: Second Guessing

With the 2009 draft in the books, I took a look back at who was available and where. First, trading back for less value once again shows why Jerry Angelo has sucked in the draft. In his defense however, there seems to be some good value picks that I even had to agree with. Below you will find the overall pick number, the player, position, school and my draft grade on my value board that ranged from A+ to UDFA (undrafted free agent).

In this version, we ignore the trade back and go with Chicago's first pick at 49 overall ... FS William Moore out of Mizzou.

Here's how it would have played out:
*49 William Moore FS Mizzou - B
99 Juaquin Iglesias WR Oklahoma - B-
119 D.J. Moore CB Vanderbilt - B
140 Marcus Freeman OLB Ohio State - B-
154 Duke Robinson OG Oklahoma - B
190 Ricky Jean-Francois DT LSU - C
246 Rashad Jennings RB Liberty - B-
251 Darry Beckwith MLB LSU - B-

In our second look, we'll pretend that trading down - and for all intents and purposes PISSING AWAY the qequivalent of a mid-4th round pick was some sort of super-genius move ...

t*68 Jarron Gilbert DT SJS - B-
99 Juaquin,Iglesias WR Oklahoma - B-
t*105 Lawrence Sidbury DE Richmond - B-
119 D.J. Moore CB Vanderbilt - B
140 Marcus Freeman OLB Ohio State - B-
154 Duke Robinson OG Oklahoma - B
190 Brandon Gibson WR Washington State - C-
246 Rashad Jennings RB Liberty - B-
251 Derek Pegues FS Mississippi State - C-

And there ya have it. I do like the pickups of Gilbert, Iglesias, Moore and Freeman as they were all very good value at their respective positions in the draft.

Mock Draft version 1.4

1 Detroit Lions 6 Stafford QB UGA
2 St. Louis Rams 3 Smith LT Baylor
3 Kansas City Chiefs 9 Sanchez QB USC
4 Seattle Seahawks 2 Crabtree WR Tex Tech
5 Cleveland Browns 1 Curry LB Wake
6 Cincinnati Bengals 5 Raji DT BC
7 Oakland Raiders 12 Maclin WR Mizzou
8 Jacksonville Jaguars 14 Maualaga MLB USC
9 Green Bay Packers 4 Monroe LT UVA
10 San Francisco 49ers 8 Orakpo DE Texas
11 Buffalo Bills 11 Oher OT Ole Miss
12 Denver Broncos 21 Jackson DE LSU
13 Washington Redskins 13 Smith OT Alabama
14 New Orleans Saints 10 Brown LB FSU
15 Houston Texans 20 Cushing LB USC
16 San Diego Chargers 19 Jerry DT Ole Miss
17 New York Jets 22 Matthews LB USC
18 Denver Broncos (from Chicago) 23 Laurinaitis MLB OSU
19 Tampa Bay Buccaneers 35 Freeman QB Kansas St
20 Detroit Lions (from Dallas) 7 Jenkins CB OSU
21 Philadelphia Eagles 15 Moreno RB UGA
22 Minnesota Vikings 32 Hood DT Mizzou
23 New England Patriots 26 Smith CB Wake
24 Atlanta Falcons 39 English DE NIU
25 Miami Dolphins 18 Davis CB Illinois
26 Baltimore Ravens 17 Harvin WR Florida
27 Indianapolis Colts 37 Britton OT Arizona
28 Philadelphia Eagles (from Carolina) 24 Bey WR Maryland
29 New York Giants 34 Beatty OT Uconn
30 Tennessee Titans 29 Mack C Cal
31 Arizona Cardinals 16 Wells RB OSU
32 Pittsburgh Steelers 43 Unger C Oregon

Mock Draft V1.3 (1st and 2nd Round)

Round 1
1 Detroit Lions 3 Smith LT Baylor
2 St. Louis Rams 4 Monroe LT UVA
3 Kansas City Chiefs 6 Stafford QB UGA
4 Seattle Seahawks 2 Crabtree WR Tex Tech
5 Cleveland Browns 1 Curry LB Wake
6 Cincinnati Bengals 5 Raji DT BC
7 Oakland Raiders 12 Maclin WR Mizzou
8 Jacksonville Jaguars 14 Maualaga MLB USC
9 Green Bay Packers 8 Orakpo DE Texas
10 San Francisco 49ers 9 Sanchez QB USC
11 Buffalo Bills 10 Brown LB FSU
12 Denver Broncos 21 Jackson DE LSU
13 Washington Redskins 11 Oher OT Ole Miss
14 New Orleans Saints 20 Cushing LB USC
15 Houston Texans 22 Matthews LB USC
16 San Diego Chargers 19 Jerry DT Ole Miss
17 New York Jets 7 Jenkins CB OSU
18 Denver Broncos (from Chicago) 23 Laurinaitis MLB OSU
19 Tampa Bay Buccaneers 17 Harvin WR Florida
20 Detroit Lions (from Dallas) 18 Davis CB Illinois
21 Philadelphia Eagles 15 Moreno RB UGA
22 Minnesota Vikings 13 Smith OT Alabama
23 New England Patriots 26 Smith CB Wake
24 Atlanta Falcons 32 Hood DT Mizzou
25 Miami Dolphins 39 English DE NIU
26 Baltimore Ravens 30 Butler CB Uconn
27 Indianapolis Colts 37 Britton OT Arizona
28 Philadelphia Eagles (from Carolina) 34 Beatty OT Uconn
29 New York Giants 16 Wells RB OSU
30 Tennessee Titans 29 Mack C Cal
31 Arizona Cardinals 28 Maybin DE Penn St
32 Pittsburgh Steelers 43 Unger C Oregon

Round 2
33 Detroit Lions 33 Ayers DE Tenn
34 New England Patriots (from KC) 24 Bey WR Maryland
35 St. Louis Rams 35 Freeman QB Kansas St
36 Cleveland Browns 31 Moore CB Vandy
37 Seattle Seahawks 45 Stintim OLB UVA
38 Cincinnati Bengals 27 Nicks WR UNC
39 Jacksonville Jaguars 47 Robinson OG Oklahoma
40 Oakland Raiders 44 Johnson DE Ga Tech
41 Green Bay Packers 25 Pettigrew TE Okla St
42 Buffalo Bills 42 Barwin DE Cincy
43 San Francisco 49ers 41 Smith CB Utah
44 Miami Dolphins (from Washington) 51 Moore FS Mizzou
45 New York Giants (from New Orleans) 55 Loadholt OT Oklahoma
46 Houston Texans 46 Delmas FS W. Mich
47 New England Patriots (from San Diego) 53 Byrd CB Oregon
48 Denver Broncos 50 Brace DT BC
49 Chicago 40 Britt WR Rutgers
50 Cleveland Browns (from Tampa Bay) 36 McCoy RB PITT
51 Dallas 49 Robiskie WR OSU
52 New York Jets 38 Brown RB Uconn
53 Philadelphia Eagles 48 Cook TE S Car
54 Minnesota Vikings 60 Marks DT Auburn
55 Atlanta Falcons 58 Chung SS Oregon
56 Miami Dolphins 54 Francies CB SJS
57 Baltimore Ravens 63 Kruger DE Utah
58 New England Patriots 65 Meredith OT S Car
59 Carolina 57 Iglesias WR Oklahoma
60 New York Giants 78 Beckwith MLB LSU
61 Indianapolis Colts 66 Moala DT USC
62 Tennessee Titans 52 Wood C Louisville
63 Arizona Cardinals 61 Greene RB Iowa
64 Pittsburgh Steelers 69 Johnson OG LSU

Mock Draft Version 2

1 Detroit Lions - Aaron Curry LB
2 St. Louis Rams - Jason Smith LT
3 Kansas City Chiefs - Brian Orakpo DE
4 Seattle Seahawks -Michael Crabtree WR
5 Cleveland Browns - Malcolm Jenkins CB
6 Cincinnati Bengals - B.J. Raji DT
7 Oakland Raiders - Jeremy Maclin WR
8 Jacksonville Jaguars - Rey Maualuga MLB
9 Green Bay Packers - Eugene Monroe OT
10 San Francisco 49ers - Matthew Stafford QB
11 Buffalo Bills - Everette Brown DE
12 Denver Broncos - Peria Jerry DT
13 Washington Redskins - Tyson Jackson DE
14 New Orleans Saints - Brian Cushing OLB
15 Houston Texans - Clay Mathews OLB
16 San Diego Chargers - Michael Oher OT
17 New York Jets - Vontae Davis CB
18 Chicago Bears - Eben Britton OT
19 Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Mark Sanchez QB
20 Detroit Lions (from Dallas) - James Laurinitis MLB
21 Philadelphia Eagles - Knowshon Moreno RB
22 Minnesota Vikings - Andre Smith OT
23 New England Patriots - Alphonso Smith CB
24 Atlanta Falcons - Evander Hood DT
25 Miami Dolphins - Darius Butler CB
26 Baltimore Ravens - D.J. Moore CB
27 Indianapolis Colts - William Beatty OT
28 Philadelphia Eagles (from Carolina) - Percy Harvin WR
29 New York Giants - Chris Wells RB
30 Tennessee Titans - Alex Mack C
31 Arizona Cardinals - Aaron Maybin DE
32 Pittsburgh Steelers - Duke Robinson OG

Mock Draft Version 1

1 Detroit Lions - Jason Smith LT
2 St. Louis Rams - Eugene Monroe LT
3 Kansas City Chiefs - Matthew Stafford QB
4 Seattle Seahawks - Michael Crabtree WR
5 Cleveland Browns - Aaron Curry LB
6 Cincinnati Bengals - B.J. Raji DT
7 Oakland Raiders - Jeremy Maclin WR
8 Jacksonville Jaguars - Rey Maualaga MLB
9 Green Bay Packers - Brian Orakpo DE
10 San Francisco 49ers - Mark Sanchez QB
11 Buffalo Bills - Everette Brown LB
12 Denver Broncos - Peria Jerry DT
13 Washington Redskins - Michael Oher OT
14 New Orleans Saints - Brian Cushing LB
15 Houston Texans - Malcolm Jenkins CB
16 San Diego Chargers - Knowshon Moreno RB
17 New York Jets - Vontae Davis CB
18 Chicago Bears - Hakeem Nicks WR
19 Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Percy Harvin WR
20 Detroit Lions (from Dallas) - Clay Matthews LB
21 Philadelphia Eagles - Chris Wells RB
22 Minnesota Vikings - Tyson Jackson DE
23 New England Patriots - James Laurinaitis MLB
24 Atlanta Falcons - Brandon Pettigrew TE
25 Miami Dolphins - Alphonso Smith CB
26 Baltimore Ravens - Darius Butler CB
27 Indianapolis Colts - Evander Hood DT
28 Philadelphia Eagles (from Carolina) - Darrius Heyward-Bey WR
29 New York Giants - Andre Smith OT
30 Tennessee Titans - Alex Mack C
31 Arizona Cardinals - Aaron Maybin DE
32 Pittsburgh Steelers - William Beatty OT

Super Bowl Sunday

Gotta like the Steelers today -6.5 according to the system (which sucked this playoff season). They have the better regular season record and some of the funniest material on Kissing Suzy Kolber when they make fun of Hines "Supel happy smirre time" Ward.

Not that Arizona is a slouch but their biggest key better be keeping Kurt Warner upright. Matt "Matty Light" Leinart sucks great big donkey cock and would shit himself in the face of that Steeler D.

If the Steelers want to take this one, that offense better get clicking and that starts with Big Ben and "Supel happy smirre time". Establish the run but if Big Ben plays like he did a couple years back, Arizona will run away with it.

Donovan McNabb: You da man!

With playoff system going FULL RETARD, I just wanted to congratulate Donovan McNabb on making it to the NFC Championship game. If there is a QB in this league who deserves it more, I don't know who it is. McNabb takes on criticism each year - some by retarded NCAAP members - and just keeps winning. He was a winner in high school, at Syracuse, and in Philly. For those of use Bear fans with our guys out of the playoffs, D-Mac keeps my rooting interest safe!

Way to go Donovan and win the Super Bowl ... I actually have money at 25-1 on Philly to win it all so there's an even better rooting interest!

Playoff System

After an auspicious 0-3 start, the playoff system adds four more plays for this weekend. It's take the home chalk week in the NFL.

2* TEN -2(130)
2* CAR -9.5
2* NYG -4
2* PIT -6

Playoff System

A very simple system I found years ago for betting during the playoffs: Always take the team with the most wins regardless if they are at home, on the road, or in a neutral setting.

So this weekend:
2* Atl +1
2* Ind pk
2* MIN +3.5(125)

Good luck ... a season recap of Chicago's 9-7 season up soon.