For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this organization, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of scouting and interviewing college prospects. I've been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking CLUELESS. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee Julia, I've been having so much fun with my coworkers this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to fucking find you at Halas Hall to do it myself.
I do not give a flying fuck, and fans do not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to talk to other scouts. You have 361 days out of the fucking year to talk to them, and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about building an organization through the draft, and that's not fucking possible if you're going to stand around and talk to each other and not scout our prospects. Newsflash you stupid cocks: FANS DON'T LIKE BORING DRAFT PICKS. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: FANS ARE NOT GOING TO WANT TO WATCH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR.
"But Julia!", you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, "I've been really happy with our draft picks, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING UP AT COMBINE FUCKING EVENTS TOO. I've not only gotten texts about people being fucking STUPID at the combine (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like "durr what's a ‘tweener?" or "durr we need to spend more time with Mike Glennon" is not fucking funny), but I've gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing teams on draft day. The opposing. Fucking. Team. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don't give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A DRAFT? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? Or are you just so fucking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the draft is going to make our fans happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING FANS. I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a fuck if you TRADE ME TO THE RAIDERS, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.
"Ohhh, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners in the war room or if you're a stupid shit that thinks J’Marcus Webb is a real football player, this following message is for you:
DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT'S DRAFT.
I'm not fucking kidding. Don't go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS ORGANIZATION. I would rather have 4 scouts that are fun, talk to prospects, and not fucking retarded than 80 that are fucking faggots. With that in mind don't fucking show up unless you're going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our organization. Seriously. I swear to fucking God if I see anyone being a goddamn Jerry Angelo at tonight's event, I will tell you to leave even if you're Phil Emery. I'm not even kidding. Try me.
And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a fuck. Go fuck yourself. BEARDOWN YOU COCK-WALLETS!
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