Da Coach's March Letter to Duh Angelo

Hey numbnuts,

Just wanted to congratulate you on another great offseason. I mean, last season I thought you totally outdid yourself when you let your only offensive weapon go for a bag of magic beans. But this season? You're a front-runner for the INEPT hall of fame and that's saying something with that square-jawed, meathead Millen in the race; and let's not forget the crypt keeper out there in Oakland.

This year, you watched as your team tumbled back to one of the worst offenses in the NFL. And you sprang to IN-action by letting your best receiver go via free agency (you didn't even get beans this time!). Not only that, you systematically refused to sign ANY top free agent despite glaring needs at quarterback, runningback, wide receiver, and offensive line. This could be the first fucking offense in NFL history to post NEGATIVE yard totals for a season. You better teach Brad Maynard how to punt lefty because you can't expect one leg to take that much abuse.

Hell you could have even shaken things up a bit by jettisoning Ron Turner in favor of someone who can spin this pile of shit you created into something that looks like an NFL offense ... but you didn't. I guess you only lose your job in this coaching staff if you take a team to a Super Bowl.

And the quarterback position? Christ on a crutch what a clusterfuck. Congrats on getting anything more valuable than a bag of balls with that Brian Griese trade; yeah, who needs an experienced veteran quarterback anyhow? And when camp opens, your plan is to have an "open competition" between Rex Grossman, Kyle Orton and some camp body to be named later?!? For christ sakes your QB depth chart looks like a washed-up hooker: two useless boobs and one gaping hole. I hope you kept Henry Burris' and Kordell Stewart's cell phone numbers, you may need'em this year.

Finally, your number four overall selection at runningback is now entering his 5th season. Cedric "2 yards and a cloud of Bust" Benson reminds me of a young Rashaan Salaam ... minus the talent, speed, field vision, desire, dedication, and class. How he remains on this team is a mystery to myself, Chicago fans, the coaching staff, teammates, Benson himself, and even his own mother.

In short, you have finally amassed an offensive roster so talent-less, the XFL looks like a superior product. Jump out a fucking window.

Da Coach

Interview with Bernard Berrian

Q: So Bernard thank you for taking this interview. How are things going?
A: Great man. I just got a new house here in Minnesota. Bought me some bling. Check out these new earrings!

Q: Well despite the fact that this is a phone interview, yes those earrings are quite lovely. So Bernard, what do you think about analysts who say the Vikings overpaid for your services?
A: To be honest, I gotta agree. Only in America, man. No pro bowls. No thousand yard seasons. And 16 million garaunteed! Did ya see my earrings!!!

Q: So what are your plans for this season?
A: Good question. I plan on buying some new stuff. Maybe a dog fi- ... I mean a dog kennel like Mike Vick. Maybe some cool rims for my Escalade. You know, shiat like that.

Q: No, no, no. I mean what do you expect to do with the Vikings this season?
A: Oh, I plan on gettin' PAID, yo! I mean, 43 mil!?!

Q: No, I mean, are you still gonna underperform like you did in Chicago?
A: Without a DOUBT, son. I mean, all I have to do is cash my checks for the next two years. Get cut. And then it's another good payday!

Q: Wow, how do you sleep at night?
A: Awww man. On a big stack 'o money surrounded by beautiful women! Tell Chicago when Minnesota cuts me after year two I'm comin back to work my magic!!!

Cedric Benson's offseason weight-loss concern

News from Halas Hall came back that Cedric Benson has slimmed down in the offseason to nearly 15 pounds less than what he played at last season. A team official commented that Cedric had an offseason problem but has worked through it with the help of 2nd-string RB Adrian Peterson.

One Bears insider had this to say regarding the situation: "Cedric decided it was time for him to branch out on his own instead of following the meals and dietary requirements of the training staff. Being that he is a pampered, 220 lb pussy with no real-world experience, it was quite an adustment. He tried going to the local Dominics but he'd push the cart 3-6 feet and then - as customary - fall down on the spot. Even if he managed to move it an entire 10 yards or so he'd inexplicably ram it straight into an island or end cap. By the time he'd leave the store, he'd barely have two items in his cart and need three or four bagboys to assist him back to his car. This went on for about a month before we were finally called."

Asked about what has happened since, the source said, "Well he dropped about 25 pounds but now we have Adrian Peterson do his grocery shopping so he's managed to gain about 10 back and is still bulking up. ... He's still not allowed back at Dominic's though without full pads and a white protective helmet."

Saint Lovie's First Letter to the San Franciscans - re-written by Da Coach

Dear Sirs,
Hey you cheating scum bags,

We believe this last season you my have transgressed the rules and tampered with our linebacker Lance Briggs.
Last season you motherf'rs f'd with the wrong Bear.

By contacting his agent Drew Rosenhaus and trying to negotiate a contract for him while he still played for us is against NFL rules.
Despite the fact that his agent is a world-class douchebag, it's still against NFL rules to f'ing talk to the f'ing guy.

We plan on testifying to this in front of an NFL panel in New York.
See you in New York you gay biatches.

I hope we can resolve this matter expediently and in the future avoid such problems.
Pray to everything that is holy you don't play us next season.

Best Regards,
Lovie Smith
Get f'ed,
Da Coach

Da 10 Commandments

1. He is Da Coach, there is no other Coach besides him
2. Thou shalt not worship false Green Bay idols
3. Thou shalt not take Da Coach's name in vane
4. Keep holy all Bear's sabaths and the occassional Monday night
5. Honor thy Chicago Bear loving parents
6. Thou shalt not kill anything that is not wearing Green and Gold unless it's meaty and used for tailgating
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery unless thy wife is a Green Bay loving whore
8. Thou shalt not steal signals by videotaping other teams
9. Thou shalt not lie, the Chicago Bears are the greatest team then, now, and forever
10. Do not covet thy neighbor's obese, loud, Green Bay loving wife (who's probably a whore)

Our New Church

Welcome to Da First Church of Da Coach. A place where you can be together in all the love that is Da Bears, Da Coach and everything in between. Check back regularly and if you would like to contribute, drop me an e-mail at dacoach@gooutcheap.com.

Go with Ditka, my friends.